AWAKE.........

1000 strokes!!!

We did it well done fruit loops xxx

I beat yoooooooooo!!!!xx

Don't know if the pic will work...

Here I am!!

I am still around even though I don't post as much any more.

Working full time is tiring.

Wonderful news for you LL,

Cwtches,

Gay xxx

Well done Violetsniff, you got there eventually

Good to see you wombat.23 nice of you to join us on the 1000th page!

Great Effort Ladies and occasional Gent! Looking forward to having many many more laughs together! Let's hope we collect a few more New Fruit Loops along the way!

Fruit Loops will take over the WORLD!

Glad to hear that you’re stable, LL! 

And here’s to all you lovely fruit loops!

Hugs xxx

So pleased for you LondonLass, about time you got some good news. Hope you sleep tonight xx

Well done ! Xx

As it's such an achievement I thought I would see if I can squeeze one more pic in before we change pages........

This one seemed PERFECT! 

Well Done Everyone xxxx

Well I suppose it's quite fitting that I should be AWAKE at stupid o'clock on the 1000th page as well as the 1st page! 

It's funny, I feel I should be on cloud 9 with yesterday's news. In fact I feel this everytime I get results. It's NOT cloud 9 more like in limbo! Now I know that will sound weird, ungrateful, awful or any other terms you can think of. But I can't change how I feel. Obviously I am grateful that things haven't changed and that I don't need any further treatment at this time. But along with that comes a feeling of......'nothing's changed' they haven't said I'm cured, they haven't stopped the 3 weekly injections, they haven't stopped  my progressing joint pain, they haven't stopped my continuing toilet issues, they haven't helped with the sleep issues, NOTHING HAS CHANGED! 

I am still a 43year old trapped in a 73year olds body and however hard I try, I HATE IT! 

So yes I am pleased that things aren't progressing and I don't need anymore treatment YET! However it's not the Happy Ever After I dream about, when I do eventually sleep. The life where I'm back in my right body, moaning about periods and work and friends etc etc, but also living a happy life with my friends and family instead of living in some sort of parallel universe, where I can see my family and touch my family but still feel a huge distance between us! 

Feelings are really individual and sometimes scary things. We all think and feel things that sound wrong or sound ungrateful and we are too scared to say them out loud for fear of upsetting someone. I know it's safe to say this here, because although I know ,  and , to name a few, would love to be in my shoes with a stable result. I also know they will understand what I am saying!

Don't get me wrong I won't give in and sit here wasting the time I have been given, I will continue to fight my way through each day, trying to find the good in each one! Why do I say fight? Well because most days that's exactly how it feels. I am constantly fighting to be as 'normal' as I can be! Not because that's what others expect (although some do) but because I NEED to feel as normal as I can! I don't want to waste the time I have been given, but some days I just need a good cry and a chance to say Fuck You Cancer, I HATE what you have done to me and all my friends!

So, now I carry on dealing with the continuing effects from the treatment and menopause. In 6months time I go through the next scan, with hopefully the same results and possibly the same feelings! Or is there a point where I get used to the 'new' or should that be 'old' me! Hmmmmmm I'm sure feeling okay with this, might just be a few years away yet! But you know what I am at least grateful to be able to say I have those few years to live!

So please forgive me if I have sounded ungrateful or selfish for saying what I did! I hope you can see it was just me being honest! Totally honest with no filters! Something I think we would all benefit from doing 'now and again'! 

Now to put one foot in front of the other and get on with 'living'! Hopefully getting back to finding my happy place again! Thanks for listening my friends and hopefully for understanding too!!! 

Love you all, my wonderful Fruit Loops! Sal xxxx