AWAKE.........

Say hello to Snowys Mum from me, i am glad actually people are gaining strong bonds, whether online or in person. I have met so many incredible people too many to name but they know I believe who i am referring too.

just so you don’t have to scroll to find out, i was in hospital for a kidney stone removal and stent removal. I had a stent in, in September to help open up the tube between the bladder and kidney as it was blocked. So yesterday i am thinking great i will get something sorted at last. But get a really kick in the teeth. I was told i had not one but two stones which arent stones but masses in the lining that have got a calcified lining over them. He couldn’t blast them as planned because when he looked properly he saw a faw amount of damage and took pictures but ultimately realised i coukd lose my kidney and he didn’t want to hesen the result by trying to cut out the masses which coukd be more deeply into the kidney. I understand the things i was told before about one bad infection could cause kidney failure but now after finding out this little gem both me and the consultant were supprisesd and found scans can still hide things. I have experienced heart problems with my heart rate all over everyway and dramatic changes it is possible that both are linked or seemingly effecting each other. He does believe my back pain is coming from somewhere else. The problem is where he thinks is the cause is my tumour in my spine that no one will check! Why I don’t know but everyone keeps refusing referral on it, not the gp but speacilists . But i am off to see GP anyway on Thursday and i will of cause push fora cardiologist referral so they can check that more now. It’s frustrating that everytime i think i am getting answers and moving forward this happens. Its completely crushed me, i am so upset and withdrawn and in shock if i am honest. I will of course push it back of my mind eventually but need just to deal with the news. 

Sending you lots of love GBear one step at a time i suppose. I've just read your profile again and like the end of your consultant saying to deal with the what is. That's actually helped me a bit. I had a lot of problems in pregnancy and once asked my consultant what if this and that happens so much he finally said... What if it doesn't happen  ! suppose I've not changed   Thanks again hope we both get some sleep soon xxxx

Hope you ladies eventually fell asleep, Optimistic and GBear. I wanted to join in but my internet was down so couldn't use my iPad and messaging on my phone at night is hard on the eyes......goodness knows what I would of written!

I've only managed a couple of short cat naps so it's going to be a long long day for me!! But I'm sure I'll get through it! Optimistic please say Hi to Snowys Mum from me hope you both have a lovely chat. I'm sure she will be able to take your mind off of things for a bit. Have Fun! 

I know we've mentioned this before but can't remember your situation! Are you having any form of counselling? As I really do think you would benefit from having someone to talk too who can give you coping strategies to help make life a bit easier! In my opinion joining something so you can read other people's stories ISN'T helping you at the moment. I think in your current position of NED you should be trying to move away from 'cancer' related things! Obviously that excludes this group! I think sometimes when we are in a bad place reading other people's experiences doesn't help, it just adds to our own concerns! Maybe reading a book or finding a new hobby, like GBear has might actually help more? Just a thought?? Feel free to tell me to shut up!! 

Sending you both a (((((((((((BIG HUG)))))))))) 

GBear, I hope you aren't in too much pain. Fingers crossed they can sort you out soon. Just take it easy and try and relax xxxxx

You make perfect sense LondonLass. I think we have to step completely away from the ‘cancer related things” and what ever situation your in i think having that distrance really helps. I go through times i step away from the champing sjde of the site and look to my own needs. Its not easy to do because its very clear from everyone that we all want to help each but struggle ourselves. Having conselling really does help and having it as a group craft sessions i have been doing for a while now help because its distraction and we are all cancer related patients or carers but we can step away from that and generally have a really good chat about alsorts trying to put the world to right kind thing. But because if this it doesn’t feel like cancer is dominated our lives. Maybe there is somewhere like this you could go Optimistic. 

I have slept abit here and abit there ‘cat naps’ indeed i think, its going to be a long day for me to londonlass but at least i do get some good nights of sleep it all helps. I didn’t want to wake from the anesthetisic I was so tired i was trying to catch up but in the end my body thought very hard to wake up and i came round shortly after that. Pain and discomfort is effecting my sleep, but a far amount of mental pain is keeping my thoughts spinning round and round. I feel like it was last year just before my cancer diagnosis when i was constantly fobbed of with ‘just fibroids ‘ which turned into cancer and fibroids, i often think our age at times can make some make tge wrong judgments. Now with all this resent kept being told ‘oh its only a small kidney stone why do you want it out’ to find last September the consultant eating humble pie because of the blocked tube that wasnt seen, to the even bigger humble pie of ‘oh its not one kidney stone but two which didn’t show up on the scan sometimes the ct cant tell the difference and tgere not stones but mases in the kidney lining that have a calcified lining over them and damage to the kidney ‘ ‘ i dare not try to get them out as it would hasen you losing your kidney ‘ which i could anyway I suppose it’s down to how my body works I suppose and if things can be put in place to reduce that possibility. I am left thinking all this time i am some sort of wimp and fraud and my problems are nothing sinister to finding out there very serious and my mind cant cope with that knowledge at the moment. My Dad js pretty devastated about it all, i think his realising all the pain i have been holding back too. But i am filled with anger i was so filled with joy and relief yesterday of finally sorting one thing out to be hit with this huge kick in the teeth, its left me feeling really flat and just not sure how to feel at all about it. Oh sorry just seen i am rambling probably not making much sense either but its how I feel.

, I have missed your pics!xxx

Makes perfect sense GBear, and although right now you probably feel like you can't cope with anything else. You know you will because let's face it there isn't much choice! But we are all here to listen and to try and keep you smiling! You are a very strong young woman and you will get these things sorted. They are listening to you now Hun after yesterday's news they will be really listening!! 

I'm ready for work now! But have my phone so if you want me just text

For now here's a.......

Xxxxxxx

GBear it’s about time you were referred re your heart and the spinal problem. Are you able to be assertive with your GP to get this sorted soon? Good luck xxxx

Optimistic, agree with the others, counselling would help. Of course you are traumatised after the awful way you were given your diagnosis. I still think you have PTSD, not your fault so don’t blame yourself. Big hugs xxx

I am improving, pain much less and allowed small sips of tea, bliss! Been on walkabout, did 1.4 km. Frightened one poor little boy who looked horrified when he saw all my tubes!

Interesting night; leaking drip(changed), leaking catheter (changed), leaking NG bag(bed changed) then the bed broke! Fire alarm just went off, someone pressed the wrong button. But I did get 4 hours straight sleep.Don’t think I will be allowed home until I can eat. Have to wait and see. xxx

Sounds like an interesting night seaspirit44 Good to see you are keeping the staff busy! But take care and Get Well Soon! Don't be spending too long at the Hotel BHS xxx