AWAKE.........

Totally forgot about Christmas cards … yikes …  better buy more tomorrow not forgetting to top up stamps !!!

I’ve got the cards down from the loft and made this years list, but haven’t yet begun the task itself.

night night Fruit Loops, sleep well and stay safe, plenty of sleepy fairy dust for all who wish 

hugs xxx

My list has reduced moomy 

which I’m quite happy with. I know many donate to charities instead but there are people I still send Xmas cards to. I do send digital greetings as well and I’m sure that’s getting to be the norm. 

Getting to grips with present ordering and organising. 

night night Fruit Loops, sleep well and stay safe, plenty of sleepy fairy dust for all who wish 

hugs xxx

 moomy I don’t have many gifts to buy, already got friends, but now having to think what to get for hubby. Luckily it’s really only token stuff as we tend to get what we need/want anytime. We definitely don’t go overboard and sometimes don’t do gift buying at all. I think people buy too much especially for children. It’s not the most important thing in my opinion. Feel for those who get into debt because they feel they have to comply with what’s expected. It’s only one day of the year for goodness sake. 

Well I’m getting busier, at least just for this month….

night night Fruit Loops, sleep well and stay safe, plenty of sleepy fairy dust for all who wish 

hugs xxx

Good Evening Fruit Loops, I shall begin by typing this here, although not sure I’ll actually post it!

WHY?

Because I know how awful it will sound! I know how ‘grateful’ I should feel. I know there are people who would love to be in my shoes, because they are in a much worse position! I know what an awful selfish prick I’m going to sound like!

YES I know all of the above and yet here I am! Lying in bed, tears running down my face! 

WHY?

Because a friend has just told me, on a text That my news today was her best Christmas present ever!! Oh and that although it’s so hard and I feel so tired it’s worth it because it’s working! 

Today’s news was Good News, my PET-CT shows a reduction in Cancer activity, therefore the treatment is working and it will be continued. So yes, it’s good news, I suppose it’s Great News! 

SO WHY DO I NOT FEEL AS HAPPY AS MY FRIEND FEELS!! 

What’s wrong with me? Why do I feel like this was a no win situation! If the treatment wasn’t working I would have been upset, but the treatment is working and I’m upset! 

WHY? 

Well that question I can answer and although I know it will make some of you angry or frustrated at how ungrateful I’m sounding. Please just give me a second to explain why I can’t jump up and down with the same excitement as some of friends seem to be! 

You see today was the realisation that my life will continue to be filled with appointments, blood tests, injections, tablets, mouth ulcers, diarrhoea, constipation, smelly urine, neutropenia, fatigue, anxiety, and painful joints! That’s what I heard when the Oncologist said the treatment is working so you must continue with it! 
You see although I’m grateful that it’s working, it’s not all pink unicorns and rainbows! It’s bloody hard work. None of this treatment is easy. Yes I’m grateful for the fact that my Cancer remains treatable and some people aren’t that lucky! It’s just todays reality was it’s not all GREAT news! 

So today I feel sorry for myself and for the journey ahead. While also trying to feel grateful that I have a treatment that works! I’m trying to navigate so many different feelings at the same time trying not to be angry at friends who just don’t see what this treatment is really like. I’m pleased todays news made them happy…

BUT

I wish they could have taken a minute to just ask me how I felt AND then actually try to see it from my point of view! It’s REALLY hard to be honest about how you feel, when you know so many people have lost loved ones and wish they were in my position.

I’m not sure how this post is going to come across! But think most of you know me well enough to know how long I’ve been on this treatment path and how tough it’s been! Although that’s no excuse for me being so ‘dramatic’! I know I shall wake up tomorrow and probably be totally embarrassed about what I wrote, assuming it made any sense! 

Goodnight Fruit Loops…..tomorrow will be a better day!I shall try and find that Glass Half Full again xxx 

Hey Sally LondonLass I know this CDK inhibited stuff is hard work as I’m on another of them, but if it’s working, then we will have our celebrated owner of AWAKE with us for a long while yet?! 

It’s hard work, I’m presently off mine as I’ve got the rotten cough and cold going round (courtesy off daughter and most likely a fellow Bombe Trustee too) and am in prednisolone and antibiotics (only 2 days in but working really well!) so won’t restart the Abemaciclib for a few days yet again (get ready, Imodium!) 

I know it’s a complicated and difficult compromise but it is still worth battling on!

love and hugs xxx

Hi LondonLass,  I am newish on here.  I get what you are saying.  I had stage 3, grade 2 lobular breast cancer 2013.  Had lumpectomy, chemo, radio etc.  Last year was diagnosed with secondary breast cancer with mets in pelvis, hips all of my spine, ribs and skull etc.  I am only one year in and it has been a tough battle.  People say how strong you are and its great cancer is stable.  But like you if you look into the future it's one long battle.  I am very grateful it was caught and is treatable but sometimes it is so tiring.  But each day have to put the smile on just get on with it,  So yes it's okay to say what you feel and luckily we have this safe space to do it xx

Lee x

Hi LondonLass 

Nothing wrong with your post, you are absolutely right to express yourself so eloquently. It’s not your fault that others don’t ’get it’. Of course it’s good news that the cancer is responding to the treatments but that double edged sword means that it also means that you will continue to suffer the multiple horrible side effects of the continued treatments. It’s sh** or it’s sh** whichever way you look at it!! 
Sending lots of love and a big virtual hug. Keep being you, lovely lady. Xxxxx