My dad

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This has taken over my life in the past few weeks/couple of months and it’s all I ever seem to think or talk about. I everyone tells me I am so brave and strong and I don’t feel it. I feel heartbroken, numb and everything else in between.

My dad has been diagnosed with carcinoma cancer (not too sure what that actually means?) We got the first diagnosis of cancer in A&E after he had a fall and hit his head which we were so grateful for as we had been battling for answers for weeks and maybe even years without even realising! We got told on the Sunday in A&E that it was in his kidneys and head initially but then on the Tuesday (we was admitted for further tests etc) that it had spread to the spine and lymph nodes as well and we were then talking hospice. 
He was rushed to our nearest oncology unit and he received radiotherapy on the spine, which gave us hope but when he was released the following week, he just kept deteriorating. He is now back in the oncology unit due to his conditions. In about 2/3 months, he went from a 55 year old man, working 5/6 days a week, doing everything possible for his wife and creating their retirement home together for the future to needing help just getting out of bed and walking around as he is so unstable on his feet; and so many more concerning symptoms.
Neither my dad or my mom would like to know about prognosis but I have asked to prepare myself and the doctor has said a few weeks, maybe months at the very best! I don’t know how to deal with all of this. What I probably should have mentioned is that we are foreign and despite us being in England for 15 years+, my dad doesn’t speak very good English and because I have a toddler and don’t work, I’m the one going to every single appointment to help translate as that was his request of me. As much as I love this and I feel proud to be the one he is relying on and trusts for this, my two sisters don’t have this burden. 

i feel lost, heartbroken but also numb? Like I said earlier, my sisters, my partner, my mom and everyone around me tells me that they’re proud of me and I’m so strong and brave and they don’t know how I do it. I don’t feel any of those things people are saying about me and to me; I just feel numb and broken.

I’m sorry for the long post and I’m not sure what my point really is, I guess I just wanted to share this with someone else who maybe understands this feeling?! 
Thank you for reading this post, I hope whoever you are that you are doing as ‘okay’ as you can be during your difficult time! 

  • Hi there  

    I lost my dad last year to a rare cancer. At the time I had a 10 month old. He rapidly declined and I was with him in the hospital often. Simply put, it is s**t. I can feel your pain and I'm ahead of you on this journey. But rest assured, many of us are with you. Stay strong xx

  • HI Kiki67

    a warm welcome to the community. So sorry to hear about all your dad, your family and you are going through Life's too cruel..

    I have been supporting mu husband through his stage 4 brain tumour journey since he was diagnosed in Sept 2020 so I can empathise with what you are going through.

    All the emotions you are going through are perfectly normal so please don't be too hard on yourself here. It's ok to feel numb and broken just now. It's the strongest and most resilient among us who show their emotions so let them flow.

    This group is a safe and supportive space so please reach out here anytime. There's always someone about to listen who gets it, someone to hold your hand and to offer that virtual hug when its needed. You're not alone. We've got you.

    It’s always good to talk so please remember that you can also call the Macmillan Support Services on 0808 808 00 00 - most services are open 8am to 8pm, 7 days a week Clicking here to see what is available. This service provides lots of cancer information, emotional support, benefit and financial guidance or just a listening ear.

    As for how to deal with all of this...I've drawn the conclusion that there is no right or wrong way to deal with this journey. We just take it one step at a time see where that step takes us next. Please focus on the facts as you've been told them and don't be afraid to ask the medical team to explain it further if you've not fully understood them. They speak "medicine"- very few of us do. It might be helpful to write down any questions, fear and concerns you have ahead of the next appointment. Take the notes with you and they may help keep you on track. There's no such thing as a silly question.

    I hope this has helped a little.

    For now I'm sending you a huge virtual hug and lots of positive energy. Stay strong. You are coping with this journey so much better than you give yourself credit for. (You'll just need to trust me on that). 

    love n hugs

    Wee Me xx

    Macmillan Support Line - 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week between 8am-8pm