Boyfriend diagnosed with second bout of brain cancer

Hi Bananas29

a warm welcome to the group. So sorry to hear about all you and your boyfriend are going through. 

My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer in Sept 2020. Initially he swore me and out two adult children to secrecy but after a few days he began to tell his closest friends and in turn I confided in my own closest friends. 

Any diagnosis is a huge shock to the system and it takes time to process it for both of you. I'm guessing at this point he doesn't know what the treatment plan is yet and that "no knowing" is scary. Trust me, it's easier to deal with facts than all the what ifs. I'd suggest you try talking to him and perhaps if you feel he may be receptive to the idea explain how you feel and that it would help you to talk to one or two of your friends. You know him best so I'm sure you'll be able to gauge his mood. 

In the meantime, this is a safe and supportive space so please reach out here anytime. There's always someone around who gets it, someone to listen and someone to hold your hand and offer that virtual hug when its needed. You're not alone. Friends and family, when they do know the situation, are great but they don't always understand the reality of it. 

It’s always good to talk so please remember that you can also call the Macmillan Support Services on 0808 808 00 00 - most services are open 8am to 8pm, 7 days a week Clicking here to see what is available. This service provides lots of cancer information, emotional support, benefit and financial guidance or just a listening ear.

I'm sure there will be other members of the group along shortly to share their experiences. One thing to remember here is that everyone is unique. Even if someone else comes along and talks about their stage 2 cancer experience entirely from your boyfriend's situation. No two tumours are the same or have the same impact. Focus on what you know and please stay away from Dr Google. He's a scary guy.

For now, I'm sending you a huge virtual hug. Stay strong. Remember to take care of yourself here as you've had a lot to deal with too. 

love n hugs

Wee Me xx

Sorry to hear about your situation, I too had to try to protect my elderly parents from finding out my brothers shock diagnosis but I decided that this was not something to hide and after I told my parents the dreadful diagnosis my brother realised it was the best way and we did the right thing and family is what he needed and extra support.  It was difficult but try talking to your boyfriend and explain that you too may need that little bit of support and help from family. 
Gbm is cruel , take baby steps , one day at a time - keep us updated 

Hi Wee-Mee,

thank you for your response. Yes we are still in the unknown phase right now. We are waiting on the next appointment to find out about the treatment Plan. 

another layer of difficulty is that I am not allowed to go into the appointments with him as he would prefer to be doing that alone- I think it is a combination of him not wanting to make me too upset and not wanting to be affected himself by me being in there with him. 

I have tried to approach this situation with him about telling others and he just can’t bear the thought of people seeing him as the sick one and feeling pity for him, even when he has acknowledged that he knows I’ll be in pain from not being able to get any support from anyone. This has left me feeling a bit resentful as I don’t feel like I’ve got any support and I feel as if he can’t see how painful and isolating that is for me- but then I feel guilty for feeling resentful towards him, as none of this is his fault and he is facing one of the hardest things anyone ever faces.

I am seeking support from macmillan to get more information medically. Thank you for your kind words and support. 

bananas29 xx 

Hi Bananas29,

I am so sorry to hear about what you and your boyfriend are going through. I hope maybe my own experience will help. My husband was diagnosed with grade 4 brain cancer  (glioblastoma) after a CT scan in March this year. Initially he was in shock and denial and it took him months to come to terms with his full diagnosis many weeks later. He didn't want anyone knowing either. I'm thinking maybe your boyfriend needs some time to process this and get  more information about treatment and what the future holds so that he can come  to terms with it himself before dealing with other people's reactions and emotions. Although people mean well, my own experience has found that they do not always say things that are helpful, or they try to relate your situation to other peoples that they've heard of or know, that have no bearing on your own situation as each person's case is so individual.

I completely understand how hard this makes it for you. My whole life changed from the moment my husband received his diagnosis but the not knowing what it meant for us, or treatment options, and weeks of waiting, tests, scans, biopsy, were almost as difficult as the full diagnosis we received in our case. 

Although this is so scary for you both, you may well find that the amazing treatments available now mean that, although you will have difficult times ahead, the outcome may well be full of hope and not the worst case scenario that you are possibly imagining.

Maybe let your friends know that there is something going on in your life but you are unable to talk about it at the moment and will tell them as soon as you can. I know how hard it it to respect your boyfriend's wishes when his way would not be your way of dealing with the situation but in time he will likely want the help and support of all those closest to him as well as from yourself.

Please keep us updated and I'm wishing you both all the very best

Dear Painted lady,

thank you so much for your kind message. I really appreciate all you have said and you are absolutely right about him needing time to process what is happening to him. 

i am sorry to hear about your husband too. I am here also if you would like to talk about anything. 

He did finally come round to me telling my friends and family for support for me- once I was a little firmer and honest and simply said I can’t cope with this alone. It’s really breaking me. I’m happy I was able to open up to those closest to me. But sadly the situation has got a lot worse in the last couple of weeks. 

Since then he has started chemotherapy and has really turned on me emotionally- lashing out and accusing me of cheating on him, or trying to abandon him. It’s really hurtful and then he cancelled Christmas and new year last minute with no explanation except for that he’s scared I’m going to hurt him emotionally. 

He now barely speaks to me, only to tell me how much pain he is in.. or how alone he felt on Christmas. This was really hard to hear since all I wanted to do was spend Christmas with him and he chose to be entirely alone.

at this stage I just don’t know what to do. It is clear he can’t accept any support from me for what he is going through. He tells me my empathy makes him feel suicidal. He said the insecurities he feels about our relationship make him want to self harm. The hurt and emotions I feel are too much to bear sometimes. I feel like I’ve lost myself in all of this and I just don’t know what he wants or expects from me now. All I want to do is be there for him 

Thank you for your ongoing support. 

• bananas29 xx