Oh Benediction, I am so so sorry to hear this. Gosh, it is similar to my story. You are so so correct in that they seem to regress and just want their family and forget you existed. I’ve had a two year divorce nightmare since this. It is over now and we are divorced. Two years later and I still cry but for my own sanity have got to move on. He has had a year of treatment now and is working full time and much better, but he is still more interested in his family than us. Nothing changed with his family, my son has said that as far as he’s concerned his grandparents are dead as they’ve been so evil to me in particular. But you know what, now there’s been another falling out in the family with someone else with them. I have lots of fabulous friends and so I’ve had to finally come to terms with the fact that it’s them and not me. They will always be like that and looking for someone to pick on. So I can only say you have to now look after no 1 - who is yourself, even though that’s not what you ideally want. You can’t change their mind, or get them to see what you had. In my situation, certainly I wish things were different and even now I think maybe we will remarry and he will come back and realise what he’s lost but I think I have to just say that we had an amazing life for those 22 yrs but that part of my life is now over and now I have to do the best for my son and I. I’ve gone back to school, learnt a musical instrument.... I think it’s the only healthy thing to do and each day without him gets easier.... He’s not sat there thinking of me, so I can’t waste my life thinking of him. As for the family I’m sure they will have their day and I hope they all realise one day how awful they’ve been. It’s v v hard to be on the other side of it and considered the enemy when all you want to do is help and be there but you’re excluded. I don’t know how it happens but it is like a delusion thing or something that you’re the enemy. But I never thought I’d say it, you do survive and get stronger and then it’s time to take care of yourself. Especially as you say you’ve been ill yourself. Take care of yourself. You’re number one now. Big hugs.
Thank you for your very kind reply. You sound like you are very strong and resilient and have made it through to the other side of a miserable cruel situation. I hope you and your son continue to do well.
I think it has got to be one of the worst experiences in life to love someone who is terribly sick and you can not be there for them. I am not sure I will ever get to where you are but your story brings me some hope and I feel less alone in this after reading about your experience and some of the others on this site. Thank you again.
You will get through it, I promise. I have never ever ever been so low in my life as the past two years. There were days I didn’t think I could survive but I did and now I have opportunities ahead Of me that I never thought possible. If this hadn’t happened I wouldn’t have the opportunities ahead as I’d have always put him first. Nope, it’s not what we planned but all you can do is make the bes of a bad situation and it’s the only way. From my experience I would say take it day by day and one day you will realise you didn’t cry that day. I was with him since I was 25 and now I’m reaching 50 so he was a huge part of my life. All my family had died (parents and I’m an only child) so my little family was all I had in the world - yet I survived. So if I can do it, anyone can. I promise. I am the biggest cry baby wimp so I’m not strong as a person but I had two choices. Let him and his family win, or pull myself together and show them what I’m made of. So be strong and show them what your made of. You can do it, I promise. You might not see it now but one day in the near future you will see how far you’ve become. These posts helped me enormously as I realised I wasn’t alone and sadly I’m sure people in the future will also come on here looking for answers too. So stay strong and please think of yourself now.
I began separating from my husband in January 2019. We tried to get back together on several occasions and it always resulted in horrible arguments in which I thought I was going crazy. I began to believe he had narcissistic personality disorder. I diagnosed him as a covert narcissist and was completely baffled. There were some things that had been present in our entire 18 year long relationship that seemed to be getting worse and then the added weirdness. I lived in the basement of our home from February 2019 until March of 2020. He moved out finally and I bought the house from him. I had to block him and not talk with him, but had to coordinate visits with our daughter. During COVID he did several things that put her in harms way and I was judged for putting limits on him. I was the only one seeing the weird things because I was the only one that had to hold him accountable for important things. Like utility bills and custody arrangements. He was doing okay at work as far as I knew. My relationship with him was the most intimate and his family and friends don't live in the same city. I actually reached out to his parents in the fall of 2018 asking them to talk to him because he wasn't listening to me. Anyway, fast forward to June 2020. He disappeared one night and his mother, whom I hadn't spoken with for about a year contacted me about his whereabouts. It was late one evening. I went over the next morning with the police for a wellness check. He wasn't there and no one knew where he was. After filing a missing person's report and going home thinking he had been kidnapped and murdered, it turns out he was in the ICU as a John Doe. He had had a seizure in the park and had been taken in. We still didn't know he had a brain tumor. We were scheduled to have the divorce hearing that week and I halted it. He was in his apartment with his parents and he was hallucinating and being aggressive and he was saying it was PTSD. Fast forward to August 2020. I found a counselor for us to go to so we could arrange visits with our daughter. I was again going crazy trying to speak with this man. He was mean, confusing, frustrating, abusive. The counselor let it slip that he had a tumor. I yelled: You have a brain tumor!!! He had had our daughter in his apartment alone. He had driven her around. He was having seizures and hadn't told me any of this. I lost it. I went on vacation and came back right before our divorce hearing was scheduled. I tried to speak with him and it was like being in a twilight zone episode. I walked away and followed through with the divorce. He was then telling people I was keeping our daughter away from him, which was the absolute opposite of what I had done and was doing. I was overfunctioning and forcing her to see him. I was so accommodating. There's more, but I'll stop there. Guess what? After all of this it turns out he has glioblastoma. I have been tortured by this man for about 2 years before the revelation of tumors and then an additional year of mistreatment by his family and friends because they still didn't see how bad it was. Well, not they see it and everyone is being nicer to me, but I am wrecked emotionally. It's surreal. I am now healing. Stand in your truth and keep your truth close to you. You don't have to convince anyone of your experience. Do what you need to do for you to survive. Even if it means blocking people. It goes against every fiber of my being to block someone with cancer, but it was seriously the only way I could cope.
