My partner doesn’t want treatment

Paige I’m so sorry you and your partner are having to face this. 
Everyone’s journey is different but please give him time to come to terms with his diagnosis, just hold him.

But when it sinks in I’m sure the thought of treatment won’t be so daunting and the desire to see your son grow up will win.

If it helps I had stage 4a bowel cancer diagnosed 3 years ago… 1 op to remove the tumour, a stoma creation, 2 liver resections and various chemotherapy courses later I’m in total remission. I’m back working full time, have met the love of my life and live for today. 

He can fight this and win, and he’ll see that soon, it’s overwhelming at first. Hang in there and trust the doctors, and everyone else involved in care and treatment, they are all wonderful and will look after you both through every step.

I sincerely wish you both all the best.

Thankyou soo soo much for this advice, it’s really helped me. I am trying to put myself in his situation and imagine what he must be feeling, but honestly, I can’t imagine it, it must be beyond terrifying. I am hoping he will change his mind and decide to have treatment to see our son grow up like you said. And a massive congratulations to you for being in remission and meeting your soulmate, I’m soo soo happy for you. I wish you a happy healthy life and all the best too. 

Click on my name and you will be able to read a personal summary of my treatments to remove a 13cm colorectal tumour. It takes a while to get there but the people who worked to restore my health were first-class. Five years after the initial diagnosis I'm still here and enjoying life very much indeed. Try to keep busy and don't mope or worry about matters over which you have no control (easy to say but it is true). We all understand that the initial diagnosis is a hammer blow but treatments have developed positively in recent years.

Any queries - just ask.

Dulac

Thankyou soo soo much Dulac. And congratulations to you for getting it removed, very happy for you. I will try my best to stay positive for my partner. 
Best wishes. 

So sorry for you and your partners news. I was diagnosed with stage 3 in January, and the first few weeks I was very numb and took my time to get my head around it, including how I felt about the idea of treatment, surgery etc. I spent a lot of that time also feeling how unfair the whole thing felt.

Time helps, and hopefully he'll come around to treatment. Treatment and side effects obviously varies from person to person - but to share how I've found it...

I've done 5 weeks of chemotherapy and radiotherapy, after starting treatment all my previous symptoms essentially disappeared and it was great. I did then go through probably probably 6 weeks of increasing pain - but I then recovered pretty quick, back exercising and generally doing 95% of the things I was doing pre diagnosis.

Still quite a way on the journey to go for me - but the hardest time mentally I had was at the start, the uncertainty, the waiting etc. I've got my fingers crossed for you both.

Thankyou KeenRunner. Bless your heart, I’m soo sorry you’re going through this, I’m happy you’re feeling better, And I hope you make a full recovery from this horrible disease, I’ve got my fingers crossed for you too! All this advice I’m getting is really helping, and I couldn’t be more grateful for it, Hopefully with patience and thinking deeply, He’ll change his mind and decide to go for treatment. 

Hi Paige2001 I was diagnosed in 2016 with stage 3 bowel cancer and became friendly with 2 ladies who were diagnosed with stage 3 at the same time. We’re all still cancer free and enjoying life.

Bowel cancer is notoriously slow growing but is one of the most treatable. It can be tough at times but it is very doable. Can you ask him what he’s afraid of and we’ll try and give you reassurance for him?

Take care

Karen x

ps please give the support desk a ring if you want to chat to someone - it’s there for everyone

Hello Kareno62, thankyou soo soo much for your support, Congratulations for escaping it and coming through the other side cancer free, I’m soo happy for you. I try talking to him about it but he just wants to shut it down and pretend nothings wrong, but I can’t do that… He did say that he doesn’t want to ‘live in’ hospital, take dozens of pills/medication and lose all his hair, his dignity I guess. He’s only just told me as well today that he’s been sick a couple times while I’ve been sleeping at night. I’m soo soo stuck, I want to get him help but he just doesn’t want it. I don’t know at what point to seek medical advice and risk him being frustrated at me for getting help but I don’t want him to pass away… I’d rather him hate me and be alive and healthy than being gone. He’s been invited to have another scan and to book it, he said he will book but in the meantime, I just feel helpless. 

Hi Paige2001 

Sending you a big virtual hug - what a tricky position to be in. Presumably he’s had a colonoscopy and a meeting with a consultant for him to know that it’s stage 3? The scan will be to check that it’s not spread to any other organ but it sounds like they don’t suspect that it has. Once they’ve checked the scan then they’ll put a treatment plan in place for him. Depending on whereabouts the tumour is will depend on his treatment. Generally a tumour that is low down (rectal) will be treated with radiotherapy to shrink it as much as possible before surgery. Tumours in other parts of the bowel tend not to need this as there is lots of clear bowel to remove.

If they suspect lymph nodes to be affected then he will probably have chemo before surgery. The most commonly used chemo is capox/xelox which is oxaliplatin in iv form (given at the hospital) then capecitabine in tablet form (taken at home) 1 day iv, 13 days tablets then a week off - usually 4 sessions. I’ve only heard of 1 person losing their hair while on this and I’ve been on the board 10 years now.

If he does nothing then the tumour will continue to grow and eventually spread to other organs - usually liver and or lungs first. If the bowel becomes totally blocked then his stools will back up into his body and it’s not a pleasant end. I’m sorry if that’s blunt but I think he needs an idea of the potential outcome.

Ive attached a copy of the booklet that I was given at my first meeting which may help you and hopefully him

https://bcuk.adidocdn.dev/Publications/Bowel_Cancer_UK_Your_Pathway_V10.1.pdf

He should have been allocated a colorectal support nurse at his first meeting so you could maybe ring the hospital and ask for the colorectal support team and see if someone will perhaps ring him to ‘see how he’s doing’?

Hope this helps and happy to answer any questions 

Karen x

ps I suspect the vomiting might just be anxiety maybe

Thankyou Kareno62, he hasn’t had a meeting as far as I know? I’m very confused/angry because a couple years ago, around 4-5 years, He had a really bad pain in his belly and couldn’t urinate, we went to A&E and they done blood tests and gave him strong painkillers, we were there for a couple hours and after he was able to finally urinate and the pain had calmed down, we were able to go home without any explanation as to what it could’ve been. He was then invited for a scan a few days/maybe a week later. We hadn’t gotten a call or was contacted at all about any results so we thought obviously that everything was fine and there was no follow up needed. Skip to now and he only just got a letter last Wednesday to inform him he has bowel cancer? I’m wondering why did it take them THAT long to inform him of something so serious??! I asked him if I could see the letter but he told me he threw it away so I’m ‘in the dark’ about his full situation and can just go by what he’s telling me.

I’m trying to stay strong for him but I just can’t cope keeping it a secret from our family, I thought I could but I’m struggling, I really really want to tell someone as it’s taking a toll on me mentally. I know it’s not about me and I’m not the one who’s facing a serious illness, But I know I would feel a lot better if I just let it out to a least one person we know. I ask him if I can please tell someone as it might help him to get a second opinion, But he shuts it down and says I can talk to him about it, But I don’t want to make him miserable and remind him of it as he’s trying his best to just forget about it and live like nothings wrong.