Being Unreasonable

Welcome to the group, sorry to hear you and your partner are struggling with this. Has his mood changed since the cancer diagnosis? I'm no expert, but I guess deflection is the key where possible, to steer away from the situation, rather than confrontation. Easier said than done, I know. Just because he won't accept help, doesn't mean you can't ask for advice and support.

Hopefully some others will be along soon too. Best wishes.

Hi Dove Lady,Welcome to our friendly group.I’m sorry to hear this.What was your partner like prior to diagnosis ? I was wondering whether if this is new behaviour he may just be scared and not able to communicate this.We are all here to support you.Best wishes Jane 

Morning Dovelady and welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear about your situation. I am sure you will be feeling helpless and frustrated that your partner is struggling and rejecting help to cope. It is also important that you have support and advice in ways of dealing with his moods. The macmillan helpline may be a good place for you to have a chat with a professional nurse ( I am sure they have come across this many times) , or the are Maggies Centres dotted around the country, you may have one close to you, where you can pop in for a chat. I hope he can find a way to accept the help. Take care x

Hi Dove Lady, welcome to the forum. We're all quite friendly and have a wide experience of bladder cancer itself as well as the varied reactions we have experienced to diagnosis and treatment. But you raise something that I don't think I've seen here before.

However I have seen similar behaviour elsewhere and find it interesting. Most of us cling to our medics and hope that they are doing their best to help us through a frightening experience. But others become critical and say what they feel, like your partner. And for those of us watching that can be embarrassing. As well as being unpleasant for the targets. 

It could be caused by fear or be an honestly held opinion. Trying to moderate those views and their expression is almost impossible and can cause worse outbursts. And that is counter-productive. 

In your position I have learnt to try and stand back and avoid further confrontation. And sometimes humour can work to get people to rethink their behaviour (after the fact, not when it's happening). It can be very distressing but you don't want them to think you are belittling them or just brushing away their concerns and fears. For the same reason, when it's happening, trying to divert can just bring the wrath down on you, so even more embarrassing. Selective deafness can help you from being sucked, in I have found.

As others have said, if your partner does not moderate his behaviour (or maybe even if he does) I suggest you take care of yourself and maybe take up the counselling on offer for cancer patients and their family members eg  Macmillan helpline - and the Maggie Centres. 

At least he is on a treatment pathway for the cancer. I hope he is able to recognise progress. 

Good luck. And don't forget you can vent on here.

Latestart

Thank you

Thank you. It is new behaviour.  I had never known him to be like this before.  

Would your partner tell you if he was frightened or worried ? Is he the type of person who likes to feel in control of a situation ? As this is new behaviour it may well be to do with the cancer diagnosis.