Suicidal

Thank you. It will be very difficult to get her to contact someone.

Hi Coojee,Do you think your wife would be willing to read the messages on here ?Jane 

Hi,

All you can do is try and the moment that's very hard.

In hope

I think she would be angry & upset that I talked out her.

Hi

I can understand that, but you have your limits.

Poor you Coojee, I hope that as well as us lot out in cyberspace there is someone like a nurse at the hospital, or MacMillan drop-in at the hospital, or someone face to face, that you can talk to for support for yourself with such stress and having to tiptoe around your nearest and dearest just as you embark on your chemo, with surgery ahead.

It does occur to me, your wife would definitely be entitled to be seen as your carer with what you are dealing with. This opens the door to a Carer's Assessment [legal entitlement] to see how her needs as carer might be helped. I guess from what you have indicated money is probably thankfully too good for any means tested benefit entitlement. But if eg your wife is under pension age but caring for you 20+ hours per week and not earning, there is Carer's Credit to pay her NI so her pension is not reduced. And more importantly she might get invited to carers' chit chats etc depending on the locality. This would be simply based on the situation re you, rather than implying she is not coping. Maybe that would be acceptable to her?? If you want to check this out, try searching [County you live in] Carers' Association. They do vary from area to area.

Still thinking of you both, Denby

Hello Coojee. Just read. I am really sorry. Stage 4 is advanced. But as with all cancers much depends on so many factors and statistics are just that: statistics. Even being stage 4, there are people who survive more than 5 years. Although there is no hard evidence of this, a positive attitude certainly helps a lot. Be positive. You are going to be alive for more time. I really hope that you and your wife will be able  to adjust and make the most of the time you will have together, because you will have more time. And as someone else said, they would not have proposed bladder removal if they thought that was for nothing. (putting someone through such an invasive operation ...?).. If they were sure that all hope is lost, they would have just done some "palliative treatment" (which by the way doesn't necessarily mean the end is near...). Stage 4 is "the cancer has come out of the bladder" But how far, whether it has invaded lymph nodes they might not now exactly. I have a dear friend who had bowel cancer, invasive, 75 y old. She was operated 2 years ago and is still with us. Please, be positive. And talk to us, MacMillian, people who know perfectly what you are going through.

Big hugs to you and your wife

Marco

Thank you Marco.

Thank you Denby

I had to phone the chemotherapy ward today to get an appointment time for tomorrow. It was difficult to get through, but I eventually got to them. They asked me to get there for 9am & that I would be there until 5pm. I asked if my wife could sit with me & they said no. My wife could not sit in the car park all day long & we are both isolating. When I told her she had to stay home. She was devastated & I was concerned about her home on her own. So I rang the oncology nurse who said I may not be able to drive afterwards.  creating problems for us. So I rang the Mac centre who kindly offered that my wife could stay there all day. I am so relieved. I think they have people there & hope my wife will talk to them. 

We are both off work now on universal benefit. My wife has fibromyalgia.bi cannot do my self employed work.  The money for the car came from my cashing in my meagre self employed pension.