Scared they haven’t got rid of it

Oh Kim

I think you are totally traumatised by the whole experience and I can totally understand.  There isn't anything I can say about the wait between scans and appointments that will help, it, very sadly, it goes with the territory and I don't think there is a single person on here that doesn't go through the turmoil you are going through right now.  However, there is help out there if you need it, many of us have taken advantage of the services available to people with cancer when they found things were too tough to bear.  Do you have a Maggie's centre near you?  You can visit at very short notice as I did just after my diagnosis and the place is an oasis of peace and calm. They have lots of extremely kind professionals in cancer care offering help navigating a way through diagnosis, treatment and the aftermath.

If there isn't, I would urge you to see your GP to see if he can help.  He will probably know of other services that could help you.  He may prescribe anti-depressants, my GP (who had cancer as a young man) was very supportive after my diagnosis, and prescribed them for me, I wasn't in a daze taking them, they just blunted the edge of the awful thoughts I had and are a great help.

I am thinking of you Kim, and sending you huge hugs.  You aren't alone in this.

Irene xx

Hi Kimj - It is such a traumatic thing to go through I know and when you feel at rock bottom it feels like a mountain to climb and you don't have any strength left.  I would suggest that you ring the Macmillan help line and talk to someone about it all.  Sometimes just speaking it all out loud actually helps to put things in perspective.  I think the worry of a return is there with all of us but the consultant won't be able to offer any guarantees. When I saw mine in June and asked if it could come back he just said it was a possibility - no one knows but that the chances were good following treatment. If you are suffering can't you phone the after care team at the hospital?

I really hope things ease for you - it is a slow process but things do improve gradually.

Take care

Carole x 

Hi Kimj ,

Firstly please rest assured that the way you’re feeling isn’t unusual at all. The emotional trauma of the last few months has probably just caught up with you & realisation of the enormity of what you’ve been through emotionally & physically & the anxiety of what’s to come has all come to a head at the same time.

Having said that this doesn’t mean you need to suffer in silence. With some of us it just means we need to verbalise our fears to someone. It has been mentioned in the wonderful replies you’ve already received this could be via the Macmillan Helpline which is open 8am-8pm every day or as Irene has said if you’re lucky enough to have a Maggies Centre nearby they offer amazing support for people at any stage of their cancer journey. If you think you need more than emotional support right now then I would make an appointment with your GP for a chat, they will know of support services local to you that may help or they may offer you medication in the short-term to help get you through this period of anxiety. 

I think after we’ve been through this treatment & had contact with our treating team on a daily basis for however many weeks once you’re done & you’re left to wait for your first check-up you can feel a sense of abandonment a bit like you’ve been left high & dry & this too can add to the anxiety that we experience! Personally I found even when I couldn’t do a great deal physically, I managed to get outside in the fresh air every day even if it was just a slow stroll to the top of the road with my dog & when I was in the house I had to keep my mind occupied, I bought puzzle books, the mindfulness colouring books & a couple of books I’d been promising myself I’d read, literally anything to keep my mind occupied, I would put the radio on, plonk myself in s garden chair in the sunshine (I was lucky enough to finish my treatment mid-June) & soaked up some vitamin D. 

Please let us know how you get on. We’re here for you whenever you need us. 

Nicola 

Hi thanks for your replies sorry took awhile to write back I’m just not in a good place at the minute! I’m already on antidepressants I have anxiety an depression anyway! I talk to macmillan online but it never makes me feel any better! Your right though as soon as you finish treatment just feel like your on your own from that point on it’s awful 

Hello Kimj when I finished treatment I would have spells of feeling tearful at random moments and wouldn’t know what had brought it on. Not knowing your mental health history I do think when we have gone through cancer treatment it does give a kind of knock on effect emotionally as well as physically. Early mornings when you wake up and it’s quiet can be the worst as negative thoughts can easily take hold and you can start think what ifs and think the worst. Every single person on earth is vulnerable and we have/had cancer and the next person can have a car accident and so on. But we have doctors and nurses treating us and this treatment is very effective but not foolproof as nothing in life is. When I had negative thoughts start to emerge I would say STOP! This isn’t working for me and would immediately start to think about something else. You start talking to that little devil in your head trying to make you miserable and kick it out. I worked for many years in mental health and we did cognitive therapy which was very effective. You are not on your own you have all of US x