Depression

Hi Cathy,

I’m really sorry you’re feeling so down. I’ve just had the ‘feeling old’ conversation last night with a lady that went through our diagnosis/treatment a little after me but at the same hospital that I’ve kept contact with. Personally I’ve not felt particularly down or depressed but know it’s quite common after what we’ve been through, although I must admit anxiety still gets the better of me sometimes. These feelings, I suppose, are to be expected to a certain extent, treatment may leave us disease free but it doesn’t leave us unscathed! I too have hip/back pain & stiffness which is annoying sometimes, I’m only 53 but honestly when things stiffen up I feel about 90!! I’m much better when I keep active as it’s when I stop I seem to have trouble getting going again!  it’s like the the age old saying ‘the mind is willing but the flesh is weak’ kinda thing! I think it’s quite natural that we do grieve the parts of our lives that have fallen to the wayside to this bloody disease! 

Do you have a good sympathetic GP? If so it’d probably be worth going & having a chat, maybe enquire about some talking therapy? When I was first diagnosed I went & visited my local Cancer Connections centre for some advice, they told me about many things they have on offer including relaxation therapies etc., but also a counselling service, if you have a local centre call in for a coffee & a chat I think you’ll be surprised on what they have on offer, I certainly was. Or if you have a Maggies centre close, there’s one at the hospital where I had my treatment, they too offer lots of different things for not only during your cancer journey but for afterwards too. 

I know we tend to try & be quite stoic about these things & think we can do this on our own, but maybe it’d help for you just to be able to air your emotions to someone that will listen & hopefully be able to offer some support/advice. 

Hope you find some resolve soon.

Nicola x 

Hi Cathy,

Well done for getting to 20 months, you’re not far off that 2 year mark when you can relax a little. I really hope I get to 20 months and beyond.

Sorry you’re feeling down, its hard isn’t getting used to a new body, that we didn’t ask for or want. Of course we’re grateful the cancer has gone but life goes on and we have to live with the ongoing anxiety and the long term side effects. 

I’m 9 months post-treatment and 48. I don’t feel down very often but I do worry about some of my side effects. Like you I ache and have a lot of stiffness in my legs, pelvis and lower back. Nothing that stops me from getting on with life but its there every day. I run and do yoga which helps and I also take CBD oil which definitely takes the edge off. Have a look into it if you haven’t already. I get mine from a lady in Salisbury if you need a contact.

I to worry about the vaginal stenosis. I haven’t had sex for over a year and am no where near close to doing it. After being on no. 2 dilator for ages I’ve finally progressed to no.3 but its very uncomfortable. I worry that I won’t be able to have a sex life and how that will impact on my relationship. My husband reassures me all the time that it doesn’t matter.

I also worry about incontinence. Whilst my bowel has improved, there’s still urgency and I now have a bladder issue whereby I can’t hold that either. All in all I feel like I’ve aged by about 20 years and its bloody annoying and very inconvenient sometimes.

Its pretty awful having side effects that affect our most intimate areas. Its invisible to anyone else, we look our normal selfs. No-one would know what we’re going through unless we tell them and these are hard things to talk about. This is why this forum is so amazing because we can talk freely, without embarrassment with people who understand. 

As my friend Nikki had already suggested, consider going to your GP, talking to your Mcmillan nurse or is there a well being centre at your hospital? My hospital has the 'Dimbleby Centre where you can have talk therapy and other complimentary treatments. You may well have depression or, possibly be menopausal, another side effect!. A simple blood test can identify this. 

I would also suggest you find a new focus, just for you. Having never ran before, I’ve started couch to 5k. I’m very slow, but I’m getting through it and my aim is to do a Race for Life in July. The running helps my aches and pains, being outdoors helps how I feel and I’m getting lots of Vitamin D!  I’ve also recently joined a choir. I go once a week for 1.5 hours and when I’m there I forget about everything all I think about is singing, it helps me to be present. The other great thing is no-one knows I’ve had cancer unless I choose to tell them. 

Its ok to feel down and sorry for ourselves, we’ve been through a lot physically and emotionally. However, when these feelings are persistent you need to check that there isn’t an under lying issue, like a chemical or hormonal imbalance. So I’d start by talking to a medical professional whether that be your GP or someone at your hospital that knows you’re history better.

I watched a wonderful film on Netflix yesterday. You may have heard of it, its called ‘Heal’. A very interesting film about how we can heal ourselves from chronic illness, possibly without medical intervention. Its not a depressing film, just very thought provoking. Watch it, its quite inspiring. 

Just making one change to your weekly routine can really help you to feel more motivated and happier.

Sarah x

I am so sorry you are feeling so down.

I am now 21 months post treatment and very thankful to be here!   However, after my last appointment 6 weeks ago when I was told everything was fine, I then had an MRI and got the all clear in 12 days

During the wait for these results I turned into a different person, no longer positive and fearing the worst.   When I received my letter so early I was convinced it was bad news and took a while to really believe it!

I think I had bottled up my feelings for so long, it had to catch me out some time and it did.

I am older than most of you on here, early 70s, so I do feel for you young ones only just in or nearing middle age!

Up to having cancer I felt very young, fit and active and have found it hard to admit feeling my age!  I am now back to feeling positive and trying to get on and do what I was doing a couple if years ago when cancer interrupted my life!

I hope you can find some help somewhere but be live me you aren't alone in this.

Berylx

Wonderful words thank you ladies.  I’m 52 and very active with Zumba, yoga, Pilates, swimming and walking. I enjoy a healthy eating (most of the time!) programme.  Have wonderful friends and family. I have accessed maggies and holistic treatments in the early days so suppose feel a bit of a fraud gong back for more but you are right I will access them again.  I definitely need to talk - don’t think I need meds.  Would love a magic wand to get the old me back.  As you say we all look fine from the outside!  I too have changed a few things in my life new job Fresh start and no one knows I’ve had cancer.  I have lots going for me so I give myself more of a hard time for feeling down.

am liking the sound of new challenges... golf here I come!! 

Will let you know how I get on.

thanks again you super stars!! Xx