I need to get rid of some of the thoughts going round and round my head, I feel like I need to go and walk and walk and never stop but even then my thoughts would go with me. I feel trapped and isolated and I just can't get away from it. I feel selfish because I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I am done with the effort that each day takes.
Ah the cancer journey for some can be like living on a treadmill that just keeps on going and going and going……
I have been on my incurable treadmill for over 24 years now…… lots of hurdles have appeared on the mill but my long suffering wife has walked walk the mill with me so we do try and look for the gold in the small things…..
Sorry to read about the challenges you have had over the years….. dealing with all the emotions and practicalities of living and navigating the various parts of a cancer journey can’t be done in isolation…… doing this drains you.
Do you have people around you who are walking the path with you?……. Obviously this Community is here but it’s not the same as sitting with a coffee and having a chat.
Let’s face it the cancer journey propels onto rollercoaster that we would not choose….. and it’s full of occasions where we are put in vulnerable situations both physically and mentally.
I can only talk about my journey, there have been many times over my 24 years where I have had to put myself into vulnerable situations…. As a strong independent Scottish highlander this is not who I am….. but an invisible ruck-sack was put on my back ……. and your back when we were first diagnosed
We then walk through our journey including our treatments, clinics, blood tests, scans, side effects……. and unknowingly, we continually throw stuff into the ruck-sack…… and the stuff builds up. It’s only when we finished our treatment (rang the bell) and look to try and ‘live’ life we realise that it’s not that straight forward.
This is due to the weight of the ‘stuff’ we have collected in the ruck-sack pulling us down…. stuff like pent-up anxiety and stress, the ‘what if’s’, the difficulty in seeing a way forward with life, the disappointments around how some of our family and friends supported us, the silly things people said during and after treatment….. the list goes on.
There comes a time when we hit ‘the wall’ and this is the point when this ruck-sack needs to be taken off out backs and over time cleaned out. It’s not an instant fix but a process…. but the healing process can only start when we are willing to do it and to achieve this we often need help so these are some links that you may want to follow up and see where you can find this help.
One of the many things I did have to deal with was survivors guilt as I lost some very good friends to different cancers over my years and "why did I survive and they did not".......... but I got some great help through our local Maggie's Centre especially their Where Now? Course and One on One support.
Lets look for your sessions to help you start to pigeonhole some of the aspects of the journey you are on ((hugs))
The ‘HOPE’ course is a good platform to move forward from.
Sometimes the roundabout just keeps on going ((hugs))
