AITA? No chemo...

Wow MusicalPopcorn I'm so sorry you're dealing with all of those questions. One part of me wants to say it is totally her choice and all you can do is work on accepting that it's her body and her choice, and you just have to try and carry on as before... But probably giving her more time. Fear is a massive thing for people, and not wanting to potentially be really sick due to medications is also understandable. Her journey up until this diagnosis is of course also unknown to me, and is no doubt shaping her current decision, as well as her and her husband's spiritual beliefs. 

The other part of me however is furious with you. My mum died a year ago from stage 4 cancer. She had nearly 5 years of life after diagnosis and didn't have many side effects from chemo and meds. Sore hands with one. Constipation with another. Tiredness was a thing, but she changed her lifestyle to do the things she wanted on the days she knew she'd be energetic. Overall she was very pleased with how well her system tolerated it and how much it has advanced. 

It seems so sad to not even ask about possible treatment, and you know the homeopathy isn't going to do anything . I can understand your worry about the unknown and losing your mum and grandparent to your child. 

Have you told her how you feel about all of this, and that it has left you with all these questions about how much time you want and need to devote to her now? I suggest you do. Perhaps even write it down if the conversation is too hard. 

Overall I come back to it being her decision and her life, but I sympathise so much and I can understand your answer and frustration 100%. Not the ahole, for sure. 

Hugs

I mean I am furious alongside you. Not at you. Sorry if that was unclear. 

I think if she continues with the decision to not seek treatment or prognosis, then yes, I would get things organized and ask her about her final wishes, if she's got a will and help her to sort one out. Personally, as a suspicious person I'd also like to know what was in it, due to this younger husband who is encouraging her away from life lengthening treatment.

My mum had a 'death file' with all of her in and outgoings, account info and pension info etc. She also laid out plans for her funeral and left details of her will. 

Once that stuff is in place, you can relax a bit and appreciate being with her.

I also think you'll probably know as the cancer progresses, as she will begin to have symptoms of illness and lose body weight etc, in all likelihood. But I know that doesn't help you much or give you much optimism in this situation at the moment. 

Thank you for your kind words.

It really is hard - and her not wanting to talk about it makes it even harder. 

I will give her more time to come round to talking about it - but then I don't know how much time we have!

Perhaps it's best to assume not that long, even if it's not true, so you build that relationship now and maybe you can talk more freely soon. Good luck with whatever comes and whatever decision she makes.