Numb

I’m tired of trying to be positive.
Fed up with putting on a brave face

I could see Covid coming like a wave. It washed over us taking our lives. No visits to my family in Spain. No visits to my grandchildren in Ireland  


Sick of being governed by this bloody bag, covid and desease

This time last year we thought we were having a long awaited grandchild they were due in August  

Miscarriage February

Me rectal cancer diagnosis June removed by Lower Anterior Resection August reversal was on the cards but I failed the test have to have more tests to see if I’m able 

September Husband diagnosed with Parkinson’s

So I’m struggling 

No positivity left , no negativity just numb waiting for the next wave of trauma to hit  I won’t feel it 

  • I really loved that hug xx

    Best Wishes

    Artsie Ann 

  • Hi Ann,   What an absolutely rubbish time you're having hon.

    I can hardly believe all your info.  You yourself only diagnosed in June? Plus all the rest!

    Can you access any counselling through your GP? Even "zoom" counselling like my daughter has been having?  You can access some free counselling sessions through Macmillan, eight I think and there is a way into the info about it.

    So here's my words of wisdom and humour... something completely different from a total random stranger...

    Where do you start...well running on empty means you have nothing to give right now so go through the motions to stay alive cos if we're alive there's hope.  Keep hydrated, keep eating enough, access your bowel specialist nurse to talk to, sleep, walk every day outside, treats are allowed, as for the bag(I'm presuming you mean a stoma bag- I'm a nurse so I get some words by osmosis!) please remember it saved your life in a way so whilst it's a pain play along with it for now- name it!  talk to it, swear at it! Got a good stoma nurse? Maybe you can get some funky coloured ones. (I've a nephew who got his when he was 19 and without it he would be dead so I know there's funky ones out there!)

    Plant some bulbs so when you're feeling a little more positive (and you will hon) you'll have pretty things to look at.  Annoint your body in the bath/ shower with lovely smelling lotions and potions coz you know you're worth it. Xx.   I'm Lucy, just turned 59, diagnosed with melanoma in March, plodding along with immunotherapy for a year. I've a 21 year old daughter, an allotment which I love and a quirky sense of humour. 

    Hearts️I have no deep and wise words to ease your burden right now Ann but support I can give you.  That's the beauty of this website, we remain anonymous but can chose to share our weird and wonderful ideas.  Please hang on in there, being numb is a normal way of coping with stress however (1) you need supporting (2) so does your husband (3) you will feel again and so "ducks in a row" now will enable you to feel without collapsing.   Please feel free to chat with me on here whenever you want. 

    More hugsHugging sent xx

  • I wrote a long reply which vanished into the ether as I accidentally pressed "flag to moderator" for the 3rd time since joining this site. One quick letter of apology and explanation later I'm back. I am really a zombie tonigh but will write again tomorrow x

  • Thanks you so much Allotment lover. 
    Chat soon. X

    Best Wishes

    Artsie Ann 

  • Hi Lucy

    Thank you so much for your support with my mental health.  I believe that November is the worst month for me as my son had a life changing car crash at the end of November. He was in a spinal unit for three months at 21 and I lived there with him.

    That’s twenty years ago however every November I seem to dip so I think The Room just gave me a safe space to express how I felt.

    As Christmas approached my mood dipped more so I phoned my GP who is never available but after telling the receptionist that I was in a very depressed state and needed anti depressants they acted quickly.

    So now after a month of a little happy pill daily and spring sunshine occasionally I am feeling more alive.

    Macmillan have been amazing and referred me for counselling, originally they wanted  me to have high intensity one hour CBT twelve weeks however there’s a very long wait so they’ve recommended the shorter six week thirty minute course just to get me started they’ve said they can still help me if needed with the twelve weeks course.

    My stoma is my life saving angel. Her names Whoopi,sometimes Whoops a Daisy or Whoopee cushion after beans. At the moment my skin isn’t burning, I’m not pancaking so life in that department is improving. I think the burnt skin was caused by my diet over Christmas.

    I’ve had some lovely bath time treats for Christmas so that’s a great recommendation.

    I was recommended PD Warriors by my Macmillan Physio which I bought for Christmas for my hubby, it’s having an amazing affect on him and me we do the warm ups together every morning so I’m benefitting too. It’s a lifetime commitment let’s face it I need to exercise,I’m lazy.

    My daughters miscarriage anniversary is coming up in February so I have a plan to get through that she’s going away and I’m looking after her cat

    Then later my hubby and I have booked St Ives for the end of February we love it there we find it healing especially out of season.

    The snowdrops are looking lovely and my camellia is in flower I am positive when I can potter in my garden I will feel so much brighter

    Thank you so much. For you kindness and advice. You’re an amazing virtual friend especially as you have a lot to deal with. I’ve looked up your treatment and it sounds like it’s a real challenge to deal with. I think I was very lucky really I didn’t even need chemo.

    I hope that you’re enjoying that allotment, springs a busy time.

    Take care and hugs back attcha x

    Best Wishes

    Artsie Ann 

  • Hello Artsie, just checking in with you hon, we are enjoying the SW winds here in the SW!

    I hope your more buoyant mood is still with you and that you are packing to go away on your trip to St.Ives soon.

    I'm giving my alottment a wide berth until tomorrow as it's still too windy and I'm sure there will be damage. I can see some on another plot there from my bedroom window, I'm lucky it's that close.  Hope your daughter's cat is enjoying your attentions.  Lovely that your daughter lives so close.  My 21 year old has had a year off university and is heading back end of Feb so I'll miss her company.  But it'll be growing time soon so there will be lots to keep me busy.    Take care and have a wonderful holiday x

  • Hello Allotment lover

    Thank you for your message and well wishes. 
    The wind in the SW was forecast as a red warning and my trees did thrash around but thankfully so far we are okay. We are near the coast too so I’m just hoping the worst is over. I hope you’ve escaped it too and find your allotment good to go  Springs on the way my favourite time 

    My pampas grass has been severely damaged but the finds will give the birds joy in their nests. 

    In on anti depressants which seem to be lifting the sight of the snowdrops always brightens my day. Every year I see swaths of them under trees and I say how wonderful they look then never plant them in mine. Silly me 

    We leave for St. Ives next Saturday so not long to go. 
    Hope you enjoy your allotment soon. 

    Best Wishes

    Artsie Ann