Well it’s been a while since I’ve felt the need to come on here and MOAN! But today has been the straw that broke the Camels Back! Now this is going to sound so ridiculous because nothing has really happened….well nothing bad! So why do I feel so Angry, Frustrated, Upset?
BECAUSE LIFE IS JUST SO CRAP!
I hate my body! I hate my lack of energy! I hate not being able to do what I used to do! But most of all I hate watching life going on around me and feeling like my life is just standing still.
My 2 sisters are both enjoying changes in their working lives. They have both moved jobs, or about too. They are excited about learning new things, experiencing new challenges….what am I doing? I’m sat here feeling so envious of them both! 
PLEASE don’t tell me that I too can have new experiences, that I too can find things that interest me and make me feel happy! I spend half my day struggling to stay awake! I have painful joints and feet. I struggle to concentrate. EVERYTHING takes so much effort! It’s just so hard. Which leaves me thinking…..
WHY ME? Why did it all happen to me? What did I do wrong? Why do all the crap things happen to me?
Now obviously I’m not a total bitch I don’t wish bad things on my sisters, I love them. But I do feel pissed off at being the one who has all the health issues, at being the one whose life just seems to of stopped! As however hard I try, I can’t find the strength or energy to get motivated to find things that interest me! I’m not being lazy, honestly. I just can’t do it.
My Sister was so excited tonight to tell us that she got the part time job at the school. She’s going to be a lunch time assistant and help cover teaching assistants when they are off sick. While hopefully training to get her Teaching Assistant qualification. I am pleased for her…..
BUT
I was the one who worked with children. That was my thing, until I had to give up! It was something I was good at, really good at and something I LOVED! Something I miss! And now she is going to be doing a job I would love to be able to do, but even those few hours would be too much for me on a bad day and I never know what’s going to be a good/bad day! Whom I kidding I don’t have Good Days, I get okay days IF I am lucky!
Sometimes I wish I had never gone to the GP about my ‘dent’! Who knows how many great years I would of had left before the Cancer became a real problem! Now I’m left feeling worthless, useless but most of all so VERY Unhappy and although I know tomorrow will be a better day, right now I just feel like this is all too hard and just a waste of time!
