I'm weak and selfish, I can't face the future even if this hadn't happened. I gave up months ago, I was marking time waiting for the sword to fall anyway. Now my body has stepped in to finish the waiting and it feels like a relief. How can anyone listen to me describe how glad I am to have been told I have DCIS, or that it's probaly already IDC. I cannot bear even the concept of the process to recover, and there is no point torturing myself if at the end of it was real life. If I wasn't taken to the GP and the hospital I would never have got this far to knowing whats going on. My mammograms after all are normal, nothing to see here. I felt a lump amongst all the trash left by 40 years of fibro adenoma that was different and wondered what it was, could my body be making the positive step my passive lazy depression didn't have the guts to resolve?
First I was told it Cysts, nothing to worry about, but they'd check out the 2 biopsies to be on the safe side. Second trip the one 'cyst' was apocrine DCIS in a cyst, other probable 'polyp' biopsied was ok. So biopsy that one again and possibly do a tomosynthesis if they think it worthwhile and currently recommending mastectomy and radiotherapy. I said I'd rather not and they talked of 'watching and waiting', maybe there's a drug that could be used, would i consider a lumpectomy? Any of those would'nt be gold standard treatments. I was disappointed I might be fine and find no solution to the long term issues.
Third visit the tomosynthesis showed one duct was enlarged, lumpy and the first two 'separate' lumps were actually in the same duct with other lumps and mishapen stuff all along between them. Bits of calcification, thickening and inflamation too, so might even be one tumor for all intents and purposes. The Radiologist mentioned the pathology from last time said one lump was 4 (?a or b, can't recall tbh) and a 5(b) which I don't really understand, something to do with how bad it is and 5 is bad, b meant it's spreading (I think? Was so different from what had ben said at the 2nd visit I was a bit confused). They think it looks like it's extended (spread) behind the nipple too at the bad end which is a worry, so is probably IDC. I was so hard to image. The 6 biopsies done should show for sure, but they definately have a gut reaction that it's not looking right. The rest of the breast is full of little cysts and lumps, it's a mess which is what obscured the mammography, which looks fine, no change from last years routine one. And then there is another largeish lump separate from the others, but it might just be the remains of an old fibroadenoma or it might be a secondary. They'll have a second team meeting and tell me on Wednesday what they make of it all.The only question they're seriously considering was do they want to take the lymph nodes or not, but they seemed ok. And by the way I have plenty skin and fat to use for reconstructing several ladies, I'm lucky and well off. I'll gladly donate if it helps. They have been kind and open, explaining what they know, what they don't know but they think, and what is best to do.
How on earth can it matter to me other than to tell me roughly how long it'll take to be so bad I can finds some guts to finish the job? I can't bear how my future will be if I was fine, let alone what is now proposed to be done to torture and mutilate me. Breast cancer on top of losing my 40 year marriage, my home and my garden and my ability to even tolerate what used to give pleasure like hobbies and friends. It's astonishing I managed 2 and a half years like this before the lump. I can't face the idea of treatment, worse it may work and then I'd have to face a future.
I can't bear the idea of the pain no treatment would cause to those who haven't given up on me yet either though. I am an animal trapped and I am desperate twisting and struggling for a way out. Really it's to get the strength to chew my leg through. I'm considering having treatment and hoping or helping a 'compliation' ? My ex husband (well not ex yet technically as after two years we're still waiting for the decree absolut) We've been locked down together except for a couple of months in the summer when he went house hunting in Portugal. He knows how I feel, disapproves but won't stand in my way. He gave up on getting residency in Portugal before Brexit so I feel terrible about it and glad and guilty. He takes me to the appointments and is kinder than he's been in years I wouldn't even have got to the GP without his help and pushing. I still love him, he doesn't love me any more but still cares. The people I know are not stupid and I am certain they would realise my pathetic selfishness. There is nowhere to hide from yourself and every day is almost as intolerable as the last one and the next one will be as bad or worse. Being a crock full of ugly self obsessed misery is hideous, especially in the face of others who are wanting, wishing, to be as well off as I am. I despise my weakness, I disgust myself and nothing can make that better. Cancer looks like it has a potential solution from where I am sitting, if only I could manage to disguise my cowardice but I don't think that will be possible.
Sometimes doing nothing is the only thing to actively pursue. Time is a great healer as people like to say.
