That’s what I am! I can see it now. I tried to ignore these thoughts. I tried to tell myself I was being silly. I told myself to keep trying. But you know what I’m fed up, I’m tired, I’m hurt and I’m sad. I have put so much time, energy and feelings into this friendship BUT it clearly doesn’t mean the same to her!
When she was worried about another lump in her breast, who did she message? ME!
When her dog was sick, who did she call? ME!
When she was having a tough time with her elderly dad, who did she call? ME!
When she was stuck in lockdown unable to see her grandchildren, who did she message? ME!
Whose been trying to arrange a meet up with her since May? ME!
Who keeps being given excuse after excuse? ME!
Who has been cancelled twice now? ME!
Who is starting to feel like a total F*cking Idiot? ME!
Who is left feeling, alone and sad? ME!
Who feels they have lost a friend, who promised them they would always be there for them? ME!
Who has cried tonight because her ‘friend’ sent a text practically saying she’s busy for another month? ME!
Who is ready to give up, because this friendship just isn’t working out? ME!
Who feels angry because they feel let down? ME!
Who is left feeling used? ME!
Who just wants to give up on everything?! ME!
Who just wants to admit that nothing ever goes right for them? ME!
Okay I’ll add.....
Who is feeling very sorry for themselves? ME!
Who needs to stop being so pathetic? ME
Who wants to stop making friends, because it hurts so much when you lose them? ME!
I’m just fed up with life! Nothing goes right! I’m not able to physically do what I used to do! Add to that the frustration of this ‘friend’ and the inability to see other friends and I am feeling very Sad, very isolated and very alone! The reality is Cancer has stripped me of my so called friends. I might get a text now and again! It’s stripped me of the job I loved! But it’s made me realise that I have become a ‘GoTo’ friend! People go to me for support and advice, which I enjoy giving. But it would be nice if these friends could remember that I have feelings too and sometimes I have ‘issues’ that I might like to talk about!!
Oh well, I’m sure I’ll hear from her in a few weeks as she has an oncology appt! But maybe just maybe I won’t be around on that week! Although let’s face it I probably will,
because...
yes you guessed it....
I’m a ‘go to’ friend! I’ll always be there!! 
Well it’s Stupid o’clock and I’m still WIDE AWAKE! Feeling so low and trying so hard to pull myself out of it!
One of those times when I could of done with my ‘friend’! But whom I kidding! She wouldn’t of dropped anything to come listen to me droning on! There would of been 100 reasons why she couldn’t help!
Time to sort myself out!
Only I can get myself out of this downward spiral!
I just haven’t worked out how!! But first step has too be reminding myself that I did nothing wrong!! Sometimes friendships just come to an end, people move in different directions! I’m just pi$$ed of that it’s always me that’s left behind! 
Well it's been a few days since I sent a message to you and you haven't replied.....
Can't be bothered!
Don't want too!
Don't have the time!
Or
Maybe you just don't care! Which you know what, is fine with me.....
Except
I really care about you I thought we had a forever friendship! Not a friendship until your Cancer battle was over, then stuff you, kind of friendship!
I don't know why I am writing this, but I suppose I am hoping it might help. Help me feel less lonely, less like a failure, less scared, less angry, less sad! The problem is I don't know where I stand with you. Every time I reach a point where I have accepted that our friendship has come to a natural end, you pipe up and say "I'm still here", "I still want to be friends", " you are so Special to me"!! Etc etc.....
Then I'm back to being happy again, although I remain a little weary, then slowly but surely we start to drift. We make a date to meet up ..... you cancel, you apologise and we make another.....then it starts all over again. Then in a couple of months, I'm back here again!!
It's not fair Hun, its unkind and not fair! You say I am your friend and you enjoy the time we spend together. Then you treat me like this. Each time I am left questioning,
what did I do wrong!!!!
So that's it! Our friendship is over! You don't have time for a friend like me! A needy friend!! Needy?? Really?? It's funny how things have slowly changed since you 'beat' cancer! As YOUR cancer was 'cured', you needed/wanted more family time! I gave you space! That was fine with me, so long as we had some time together! I thought you wanted that too!
Then came lockdown! A good excuse for you to not visit, although you kept saying how frustrated you were about not being able to visit! I offered to post off your birthday gift from March, but No you said it would be nicer if I gave it to you in person and we WOULD meet up!
Then after last weeks fall out and silence you finally decided to be honest.....brutally honest! You don't want to continue with the friendship, in your words some friendships aren't meant to last forever! Then the kick in the teeth...."I received your parcel yesterday and I haven't opened it. I think after what I have decided the best thing to do would be for me to return the parcel unopened. You can use the gifts for your charity night"
Seriously!! Those gifts were for her! If she doesn't want them she can bin them but I will not accept them back! I texted her this and then tried to call, which she ignored. At which point I said please open the gifts they were for you chosen when we were friends! She said I could call her later. I was just going out to the beach so said I would call this afternoon. Which she replied THATS FINE!!
But by 11am I had a message saying I'm too tired and emotional to take a call today, maybe I could call her monday or after my holiday! We don't go till Thursday!!
Then at 1pm she has decided theres no point calling as she won't change her mind, she doesn't think she can be the friend I need her to be!! So again it's all down to me!! She had opened the present and said thank you. Then take care S.... end of message end of friendship!!
I just feel so sad, so angry and so used
Enjoy your life Pri***es! It's a shame that our friendship meant more to me than you!
0⁰So here I am sitting in the bath, crying, wishing I could just curl up in a ball and disappear! Left wondering if I'll ever have any true friends or will I be left all alone, if god forbid anything ever happens to my parents! Surely life can't get any crapper, can it 
