Not been here for a while.....

Hi LondonLass

You're not going to be judged here, I do hope you understand that, and this is a safe place to say what you want and say how you feel. Oh you are needing a big hug! I can't say anything that can make you feel better apart from I hope you believe me when I say I can feel your hurt, certainly not as much as you do. Cancer is a horrible disease, there are others. Life is a bitch for some more than others. What can we do? Sweet F.A. 

Maybe turn things around. You may get solace in helping others who can benefit in some way from your efforts to remove their misery. Just a suggestion. 

Does it help to share your experience with us? I hope so, I hope you know how much I and others who read this are so so sympathetic with you. I know that's not going to take your hurt away, but I really understand how you must be feeling. For me, my wife's miscarriage still hurts many many years later. When that happened, there were no organisations around to speak to, no one to offload feelings to. Believe me, that was a devastating event in my life, I can remember sobbing in the hospital car park because my wife was in pain, both physically and mentally. As I said, life IS a bitch, LondonLass. 

Take care

Tvman xx

Thanks tvman I’m sorry to hear of your loss! As for your question does it help to share? I’m not sure? But at least by putting the words down somewhere it gets them out of my head! Does that make sense? Xx

Hi LondonLass, I get the it’s okay to feel angry, let down, envious, annoyed, frustrated, scared bit and that this is the room where you can rant and close the door behind you which perhaps means never going back and rereading what you’ve said and not reading any replies. I get the not not needing any advice, or being told you could be worse off, and just wanting a safe place to get the words out of your head. 

Oh for goodness sake why am I doing a reply then, it’s because your words touched me, well in a way it was tvmans words as well, talking about miscarriage. It set my mind wandering as I was advised to terminate my first so wanted pregnancy as I was told it was not growing properly and had no lungs and that their opinion was that I would not carry it to full term and that if I did it would be still born. The quicker I reached a decision to terminate the quicker I could move on to trying again versus my husband’s family being catholic and not wanting to be judged. My head fast forwarded to my own cancer diagnosis in 2015 incurable and not unlikely to be only 12 months and the grieving that everyone goes through I think for your own life and hopes. I would miss my 2 daughters ever getting married and I’d miss seeing grandchildren, and in reality 4 years on I am not sure they will ever get married or have kids as that’s there future to control or wish for, but at that time that’s what part of my my tears and anger were for. Just to express that helped to get to the point of saying that’s enough, I’ve gone from ignoring all emotions to feeling really emotional and now I have to go into planning and coping mode. (I’m ok by the way incurable for me has meant immunotherapy drugs which worked really really well and currently being no measurable disease although still on treatment) 

My mind wandered to my mum passing away 3 months before my cancer diagnosis and how months before that, she had to go into a nursing home and I’d had to empty her bungalow making sure that nothing important amongst all the 90 years of sentimental cards and paperwork that she’d kept were not thrown away. Why ? because I knew somewhere very well hidden would be my mums birth certificate and adoption certificate, and that I might need them for her death certificate, and my curiosity. 

My mind wandered to how I found out as a teenager a few weeks after my grandmother died from cancer, the person I felt I loved the most was not by birth related to me, but in my eyes that made her an even more remarkable and loving woman as I felt she had chosen to love me and the whole of our family, she had chosen to love and care for my mum. From the love and care she gave I felt that we truly belonged together, and I suspect she felt the same.

You seem to have been wishing for a child of your own for a long time and suffering side effects for a long time. Sometimes all emotions have to be thrown out there before you can decide what to do next, which emotions you need to pick up and care for first, and which emotions to bin or at least put to the back of the shelf. Perhaps I should just press print on only these few words rather than for you to hear my rambling thoughts.

I hope your rant has done its job and it has given you the strength to make your next decision which sounds like you either have to give up on your dream (or try and preserve some part of them) or regroup to endure more pain. I hope you can make new dreams for yourself and that you seek help (Samaritans maybe on 116 123) if you truly feel that you won’t want to go on without fulfilling that dream. 

Sending a virtual hug cos my goodness after starting the awake thread over two years ago you of all people deserve at the very least a hug.

KTatHome I am sorry to hear of your loss, that must of been awful. I hope my post didn't upset you by bringing back some sad memories! Although i am sure something like that is never far from your thoughts! Xxxx

Hi LondonLass, I am so sorry to gatecrash in on your post and open up so much. I hope that you feel better for off loading and that it has cleared your mind a little for your awkward and heart felt decision. I was concerned when I read your post that you are going through a lot right now, but did not want to break your boundaries.

I hoped my own experiences would show that like tvman there are people who understand and feel for you, from my own experience however I can’t help my mind from wandering off to my Nan for her there were other ways of experiencing the joy of a baby other than giving birth herself. I am forever thankful that she made that choice. 

I hope you soon feel comfortable with what ever conclusions you reach.

KTatHome I appreciated you sharing your story. It was very touching. I’m just feeling a bit fed up with everything right now. I know none of us are guaranteed to have children. It’s just really tough trying to come to terms with the fact that I will never have them. But I just need to find away to accept it and find a new ‘dream’ a new ‘future’? Although thanks to bloody cancer even that’s not easy! Xxxxx