Lass,
So, I'm here in the Room because I'm not an incurable.
I have thought about whether or not I should reply to your Vent. But I reckon if a good reason not to reply is that it's a bit odd for a stranger to reply to someone's message, this forum would collapse in a heap.
I can't relate to your health, but I think I can relate to your personality, so I thought I'd give replying a shot.
I notice that you want to be useful, but you currently feel useless. Being someone who also likes to be useful, I know how utterly shitty this feels. If I can, I would like to offer you a little reassurance on this front. I can tell you with absolute certainty that you are MASSIVELY useful to many, many people affected by cancer on this site. I’m wondering if it might be useful for you to take a look back over the replies to some of the posts you have made? Especially in the womb and thyroid groups… and then look in the mirror and decide whether you can honestly tell yourself, to your face, out loud, that you are useless? What if someone else you respected on the forum said they felt useless? Would you contradict them? What makes it okay for you to contradict them but not yourself?
If you feel that the Macmillan forum is too cancery for you sometimes, and want to get away from that, I wonder if you’ve looked at other home-based or e-volunteering opportunities out there? Volunteering wouldn't be just a distraction. It can have real, tangible meaning. You have assets – you’re intelligent, compassionate, creative, and driven to do something useful, you have an internet connection, a laptop, you have time. It might be worth checking out what other useful things you can get up to while huddled beneath a blanket and a couple of cats?
Speaking of the cats, I read somewhere that we are better at looking after our pets than ourselves. You share your living space and life with these odd fluffy creatures, you keep them alive. I wonder if you treat yourself with the same care and compassion? Also, your cats would be dead if you didn’t look after them, so would most of your garden. Therefore, would caring for them count as a small slice of purpose in your life?
Re. your difficult friend (I've had a very similar experience), friendship has to be reciprocal for it to work or be in any way fulfilling. Your friend isn’t a friend. She can’t be that right now. You've realised that you can’t fix her problems, and she can’t fix yours (what friend can?); what you both seem to want is to be listened to, properly. She receives that from you, but she doesn’t see that it’s also her role. What would happen if you told her that you can’t keep being her go-to crisis contact, you can’t support her in the way she needs or wants? It’s a shitty shitty position for her to put you in, because you might then be worried about how she’d react if you told her how she was affecting you. But you know what? You tell the truth. You lay down the limits of what you can do. And you stick to them. There is zero blame to be found in that. Maybe you'd be doing her a favour? She might access the support services that you've no doubt told her about if she can't access you?
As for other friends, I think you’d quickly run out of fingers to count the number of people online that would consider themselves your friend. Although they are online, it seems like they are more reciprocal in the way they communicate with you than real life friends. Regarding RL friends, I wonder if you’d feel comfortable sharing some of what you’ve written on Facebook or wherever? Not for a pity party, but the friends that have been thinking about you but haven’t felt able to contact you for their own fear/guilt-ridden reasons, might take it as a call to arms. You may have to swallow your pride to share it, and they’ll have to swallow their guilt, but if you want to give them a wee kick up the arse (perhaps they need it?), that might be an effective way? Or a bunch of individual emails? Just a thought. I guarantee they won't know how you're feeling, they'd likely want to know, but they can't bring themselves to ask. It's a horrible impasse but there's no shame in you being the one to break it.
Speaking of proper listening, if you want to speak to someone who will actually listen, is a professional, but doesn’t have a predictable agenda like a counsellor (I hope you've watched Fleabag btw), I’d recommend making an appointment with a chaplain from the spiritual care department in your hospital. It is absolutely not a religious thing. Not anymore. I'm an atheist. The last chaplain I met said they couldn’t remember the last time anyone asked them for a prayer. They are exceptional listeners though, and see a lot of folk with substantial health problems who are struggling existentially rather than religiously.
Do you know any of your neighbours? Could you bake something and offer them the surplus? Or invite them round for tea and cake? Some of them might be weirdos, but you never know... some of them could be feeling as isolated as you are.
Oh and sing til you scare your cats! Is there a local singing group that you can get yourself to? Or can you perform online? You’ve no doubt already thought of that, or perhaps there is something physical that prevents you from singing.
To be honest, you’ve probably already thought of all of the stuff I’ve just written. But, I guess, knowing myself, I thought that if I ever have a similarly diabolical number of cancers and complications, I would likely feel very similar to what you are describing, and these are the things that I would want someone to say to me if I had written your post.
I wonder how you would reply if someone else had just written your post?
I hope you find some small measure of peace soon, and a way to hold on to it.
Best wishes,
Rebecca
