Hi all
My poor mother in law has been fighting terminal breast and bone cancer for over a decade. She was given 3-5 years but has beaten all odds to get here all these years later.
However, she went into hospital for some new aches and pains a few months back and the cancer had spread to her liver but, she has also had complications which has seen continual, internal bleeding in her stomach which has resulted in a lot of hospital stays over the last few months with only a few days home each time in between.
We had the sad news over the weekend that the op that they had suggested to remove her stomach cannot now proceed, that the cancer has definitely spread, her body is no longer making red blood cells and she is now too poorly to do the operation. She has been given 3-6 months to live IF she carries on with almost daily blood transfusions.
It is all so difficult and so horrible. We are very appreciative that we have had all of these years that we did not expect to have with her but it has hit everyone like a sack of potatoes as, she had gone in with these aches and pains on her hip to be told that the cancer has at least spread to her liver. My husband and I have told our kids (two boys, one a teenager and one pre-teen) and, as expected, they took the news badly.
My husband and his sister are in a bad place, my mother in law is in a bad place (of course) and my father in law seems to be in denial. She has expressed her final wishes to go into the Rowans when the time comes but he has said no, that he wants her to die at home which is not what she wants. All of the rest of us will of course support her decision and make sure it happens but I am so angry that he will not listen. He is also not prepared to care for her currently when she is home so there is no chance he will do so in her last few weeks. We are all rallying around as her children/children in laws to support whatever she wants and needs though.
I feel awful though. I work 60-70 hour weeks to make ends meet and my husband works 50 hours. We want to try and work in some sort of caring pattern between us and my sister in law and her husband but, it is also completely freaking me out. A year and a half ago, I lost my nan to dementia and I did similar alongside my mother and aunt making sure that she was cared for. It was awful to watch her deteriorate but I would not have had it any other way other than helping to care for her at the end of her life. But, although she was expected to go in weeks, she hung on for over 5 months. We were all exhausted and then, once she had passed, I was so poorly and it also took me over a year to grieve properly, I just bottled it up. I will do everything I can to make sure my mother in law is supported and cared for alongside my husband and brother and sister in law but I was working 40 hours a week back then and, I keep getting such anxiety when I think about doing this again.
I would normally discuss this with my husband but he is so full of grief and trying to arrange palliative care, visiting the hospital and working his day job like me alongside trying to spend time with the kids that I do not want him to think for one moment that I do not want to care for his mum as that is not the case at all. Speaking with a friend who is a therapist, she thinks I need to make an appointment with a counsellor as there may be some trauma left from when my nan had passed but I just do not have the time to do so and, I am more concerned about making sure my husband, mother in law and kids are supported. I am lucky to have a mother who I am very close to and I cannot even begin to imagine the pain that my husband and his sister are going through let alone how my mother in law is feeling.
My eldest has taken the news really badly and is refusing to talk to a counsellor that I managed to get for him (or anyone in fact) and, my youngest seems to regress every now and again from a child who is about to go to senior school to a 5/6 year old.
I don't know what to do. I do not know what to say either. I do not know what steps forward to take and I do not know how to help my family process this. I am struggling to sleep and when not in the hospital or working, am playing catch up with the housework or also trying to support the kids. And, I feel so so guilty even saying any of this. I absolutely do not want to make any of this about me hence me not discussing it with anyone else but I am scared for everyone and I am also so scared to go back to such an exhausting pattern. I was like a zombie living on around 4 hours of sleep a day max when I cared for my nan. My mother in law lives an hour away from me as well so that adds on another layer and it does not help that my father in law is useless and so selfish at times and does not care for her or help her whenever she is able to be at home. She ends up trying to get breakfast or clean because he is not willing to do so and then ends up in hospital etc. We did discuss having her come to live with us but our house is not suitable for her needs or big enough to accommodate all the hospital equipment she will need.
I am sorry for venting but this feels like a safe space and I feel completely overwhelmed yet, am feeling so guilty about feeling this way that it is already affecting my sleep and my day to day life. I also know that this path we are all going down is going to get harder and more traumatic and I am trying to mentally prepare myself to be able to support my husband and kids in this all.
Sorry for the ramblings/rant but thanks for baring with me!
