How do you balance life?

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I'm sorry for the emotional dump, I just have nowhere else to voice this.

One of the hardest things I can't get my head around is how do you live when someone you love is dying.

How do you live your life like go to work, go on dates, make new friends, make holiday plans knowing that someone won't be able to do it anymore? How do you talk to them about things at work, normal day to day things, when they soon won't experience it anymore? Stupid work drama that seems so pointless in comparison to what's in front of your eyes. Making plans to go away in the summer when they can't.

If you spend a day at home binging TV shows and don't go out, isn't it cruel to waste your life when they have so little left? But if you go out and have fun while they're suffering at home, isn't that just as cruel? So you stay by their side at home and keep them company as much as you can and try to enjoy all that time, but it's just a waiting pattern.

And what about if they do something that makes you angry, but you feel you can't get mad at them because it's not fair, because in a few months you'll be desperately wishing they were still there to make you mad, but you are still angry and it's just left unresolved?

And the practical side of things. Even when it feels like your world is ending, you're still expected to show up to work. You still need to, because rent and bills don't care if someone you love is dying. Most jobs give bereavement leave, sure, but that's after they're gone. What about the months and years leading up to it? When they're slowly deteriorating and you can only watch helplessly, knowing there's no coming back from each new symptom?

And part of me knows this happens all the time. We get so much news of so much tragedy around the world, yet we still go on and live our lives. But there's a huge disconnect there. When it's someone we know and love in front of us, it feels so unfair.

And to be told by people who've lost loved ones suddenly feel that the extra time is a blessing, that you get to say goodbye and prepare, which is absolutely true and I don't deny it, but seeing the slow decline feels equally as cruel.

I just don't know how to do it.

Malengwa 22 days ago

Hi lulubell

Watching a person you love deteriorating towards their death is really tough. So many emotions, yours and theirs, yet so much "carrying on" to do whilst things can change weekly then daily or even hourly.

Re work, do you get paid sick leave? I took 3 months off to care for my husband then a further 2 after he died. I am lucky to have a job with 6 months full pay and getting signed off by my GP was straightforward. Also caters leave or compassionate leave can help.

Balancing life is also tricky. You have to have your own life to a certain degree whether thats a hobby or friends, but equally its good to do things your loved one wants to do whilst they can. We lived my husbands last 2 months basically in our living room but I tried to go out when he slept as respite for me. Before he took to his bed, we did simple thing when he could, a drive out, a simple lunch and yes he watched a lot of old episodes of his fav programs.

Are you connected in with a hospice at all as they can offer a lot of support.

In answer to your question, how do you live when someone you love is dying? To a degree, i think you dont, you just function to get through each day but, for me, anyway, my dreams and hopes just disappeared during that time and have yet to come back, but thats another chapter in this story.

Dump here whenever you want to, its a safe place to say how you feel.

I wish you all the strength in the world as you navigate this rubbish path.

cc81785 13 days ago

As someone who has only had three days to process my fathers incurable cancer diagnosis. It has essentially taken over my life, its all I can think about. Sleep is my only escape right now.

I think if the diagnosis gives a long prognosis then maybe you can simply put it to the back of your mind. But if its short, like months, and you see gradual decline then its a lot harder. Anticipatory Grief is a real thing - I know because im going through it.

Right now, I wouldnt know how to go out and meet people, or how to talk about trivialities, Things that once interested me are now uninteresting, I sit, stare, cry, then try to distract myself and fail.

Honestly, extra time IS a blessing, if they're their old selves. But seeing someone you love suffer even slightly, its shattering.

flowerpress 9 days ago

Hi Lulubell,

I don't think any of us 'know how to do it',.... watching my Dad slowly decline, and trying my hardest not to be hyper vigilant or over protective is much more difficult than I thought. Keeping to a routine is helping, I have to go to work, and while he is ok on his own, or seeing friends, small walks with me dog,... I have to just let go of my feelings of guilt because it's just not helpful to him or me.

The way I cope it just taking a day at a time, and when things change, I'll adapt. I try very hard not to think too far ahead or to over think what might be.

But it's hard,... so just try to be kind to yourself, you are not alone x

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How do you balance life?