I am supporting my mum with her breast cancer that has now spread to her lungs,
But I am now starting to feel cross to start with she didn't tell any of us she had breast cancer and I only found out by accident.
This was 3 years ago now [5 yrs shes had cancer]she finally told my brothers 2 years ago when she had mastectomy i looked after her after op and on going .
Her partner is always a nightmare he did go to a couple of aftercare appointments but he has a habit of trying to hijack appointments to his ailments. [Most of which are just in his head] so I take time off my job to go as she doesn't listen properly to what they tell her and if she doesn't like what they say she totally clocks out .also check on her twice a day before and after work .do her shopping etc .
But she is still refusing to tell both brothers anything . On our last consulting visit he said he wanted her to stop the pills she is on as she is on the lowest dose poss and it's causing a reaction that means she is in constant stomach pain .but due to funding she either gives up totally this option or try something else.. 1 brother lives miles away turns up once in a blue moon and off again in a couple of hrs.the other wants her to baby sit his house and animals regularly so he can get away surfing with his wife who doesn't want to know my mum but happy for her to house sit .[ basically me doing it by seeing she's OK when she's there] but if I try and mention anything am told WHAT SHES OK ! BY both of them .
She won't consider chemo at all as she doesn't want to loose her hair . But she says she doesn't want to try anything else if it means she will have any disruption to her life . She drives so her partner expects her to take him allover the place but he wont ask his own familyto help. "But she's not ready to give up on life yet " .I feel she needs to talk to my siblings too but she says they don't need to be upset .we'll hang on what about me . She gets upset because she says she agreed to being mutilated and now she looks like a bag of bones with a giants skin draped over
. She won't talk to anyone like Maggies etc .because she's not that type of person to do that .
Sorry for rant but like I said I'm getting cross I am lucky my husband is a great support for me but I feel his patience is wearing a bit thin with this as he's not good with sick people.
Any suggestions as trying not to loose my cool in front of my mum .
Hi Patsy,
I am sorry that no one has responded to this post previously, it may be because you added a P.S which shows the post as having been replied to... for future posts, if you click on More at the bottom of the post, you should be able to edit, and that will ensure that any unanswered posts are flagged to the forum champions.
I have read over your post a couple of times, and I am a little confused, as you have stated that Mum finally told your brothers 2 years ago, when she had a Mastectomy, but a little further on you say that she is refusing to tell your brothers anything and they are not helping you with her care.
Has the oncologist said what the other treatment might be, if she stops taking the tablets that are causing her a reaction? How is your Mum in herself?
With regards for ideas, there is a program on Netflix, if you have access to that, called Fantastic Fungi, it is, all about the magic of mushrooms.. one part of the documentary is about a lady (a Mother) who was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer, it is, in my opinion a fascinating documentary, and it is this program that alerted my husband to the specific mushroom which was used for this lady. It may not work for everyone, but it is something that we swear by, as he was diagnosed with a different cancer, nearly 5 years ago and given a very poor prognosis, which he has surpassed by many years.
Have you asked Mum your "What about Me?" thoughts? having others in your family aware of what is going on, would be more support for you, so although it is right, that your Mum has the option to choose what, if any, treatment she will accept, but for you to feel as if it all comes down to you, and only you, is tough, and I am sorry that this seems, from what you have written, to be how you are feeling.
Always feel free to rant, if nothing else, it is a release for you, and once again, I am sorry that this post was not responded to earlier.
Lowe'
Hi again,
Sometimes we have to be real with our parents, no matter how tough that can be, and as much as I am sure you understand why she would not want to worry them, is she aware that you feel that there is a chance that they will blame you for keeping this from them?
The first thing I said to my husband when he was diagnosed after the initial shock, was "No Secrets", not from me, his Mum or our Children, so I think I am wondering whether you have asked your Mum if you can tell your brothers on her behalf, because, you want to ensure that they are aware of what their Mum is going through, what their Sister is going through and to be able to maintain a relationship with them later on without the feeling of being blamed.
You wrote that you think that she feels it's OK for you to put your life on hold to some extent, have you asked her? and it made me think -
I remember when my Aunt died, I was angry because I didn't get to her in time, I blamed my Mum because I had driven to collect her before going on to the hospital, and she wasn't ready, I chose to wait, and I was angry when I never got to say goodbye.. I am telling you this Patsy because the decisions we make are our choice, even if we feel that our brothers should be more involved (I have older brothers who are different in their emotional attachment than I am). If you do not speak with Mum and make it clear the affect her not being open with them, is having on you, and may continue to have on you long into the future, and if you choose to keep her secret because of her preference of them not being told by her, then all of that is choice. Your choices should not make you angry, you should not have this secret forced upon you, IF your brothers are believed to be able to cope with the truth.
I hope that you are able to discuss this deeply with your Mum, as I am sure she would not want you to feel as if you are not being considered.
