Hi there,
My family have recently been hit with the news that my beloved nan has been diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer. Unfortunately it's stage 4 as it has already spread to her liver. She's opted to not have have chemo in order to avoid the horrific side effects, which I totally understand and respect, but it means that she only has 3 months left. Plus the fact that she lives 3hrs away makes it even harder.
My pap, her husband, isn't coping. By not being in control of the situation, he's freaking out, trying to do everything, learning to cook and clean. Not to mention, he's got it at both barrels as alongside his wife being unable to fight the cancer, his brother is currently undergoing chemo for Prostate cancer. They been married for over 50 yrs, and I'm scared at what's gonna happen when she's gone. He has a hobby at the local bowl's club, but what if it's not enough??
My mum is a mess. She's trying to be strong for me and my brother, but I can tell she's really struggling. I've told her countless times that I'm here for her, anything I can do to help, like walking the dogs and taking my brother to college, or even if it's just to talk, but she won't budge. I just wish that she'd let me in instead of treating me like a child. We've always had a difficult relationship, but when we hugged after she broke the news, she had my head in her hand, and I had never squeezed her so tight. On the bright side, I'm glad she has my stepdad cause no matter what, he always finds a way to make her laugh.
In all of this, my brother is who I'm most concerned about. He's 22yrs old, but he's also autistic. He still lives in the family home, I moved out 6yrs ago. He was there alongside myself when my mum broke the bad news to us. He said he understands what this situation means, however didn't shed a tear like the rest of us and just carried on with his chores. I understand he needs his routine and probably doesn't understand fully, but I fear that this is gonna hit him after she's gone and doesn't know how to handle his emotions. When our great grandmother passed away years ago, he asked if she'd had her head chopped off cause he was learning about the tudors at school at the time. He's extremely close with nan, always asking when he can go spend a week with her in the school holidays. When the inevitable comes, I worry he won't handle it. How do I support him???
And then there's me. I'm doing my best to hold it together for my family, however my emotions have already affected me in my place of work, causing me to lose my temper at a colleague and receive a formal complaint. My employer is aware of my situation and the issue has now been resolved, but I worry that it will happen again. My employer has a peer support group, which I have already used. My dad is trying to be there for me and brother, but again, he lives 3hrs away. I am seeking further comfort through music. Furthermore, I want to take a couple of weekends off between now and xmas in order to spend as much time with my nan before her time comes, however, because I work in the hospitality industry, I fear they won't let me as the xmas season is about to start next week. My boss keeps asking me what they can do to reduce my stress, but the thing is, I don't want them to think I'm incapable of doing my job, as I've been promoted to senior management in the last yr, so I'm still trying to prove myself. Plus it's the only normality I have right now, and I don't wanna lose that. I'm also trying to think of practical things I can do, for example, I want to get my nan an early xmas present of a locket with pictures of myself and my brother inside, something she could be wearing when placed in her coffin, so she always has a piece of us with her forever. In addition, I wish to offer my unique skills in digital media by offering to put together a film for her funeral. But when is the right time to offer my help with all this???
In all of this, my nan just wants things to be as normal as possible. I plan to phone her at least once a week, but how to do I have a conversation with her without bringing up cancer??? And how do I not let her see my upset???
Anyone got any advice, I could really use it.
Hi Gbarbs96 and breathe!!!!!! You have got to try to stop looking out for all these other people and have some much needed you time. If you cannot do that and continue as you are doing you are going to make yourself ill. Please don't think I am being critical, it's not meant like that at all. However, you are only one single human being trying to juggle all these different issues and support multiple people. I wonder if you have considered having a chat with your GP as to how you are feeling and to talk through what you are feeling as they may be able to offer access to some Counselling if you felt that would be of any help. Cut yourself some slack you are just human but not super human so you do have a break point and it sounds like it's nearby. Sending some hugs your way for now. X
gail
