Having to explain everything when you meet up with old friends - ugh this is hard

Hello Yellowsun,

I am so sorry you and your husband are going through this. Cancer is such a cruel disease, and especially so because it hits people so randomly and at such random times in their life.

You are, as you say, at the stage where your family is grown and perhaps thinking about flying the nest, if they haven't already done so. Like the children of your friends. And you should be in a place where you, like your friends, have lots more time to yourselves to go out and enjoy life. They are doing this. And you have hit a proverbial brick wall instead. 

You sound as if you are nonetheless doing your best to maintain some good quality of life and to enjoy yourselves within the limitations that your husband has currently. What I don't get, is why your friends don't get this...?  I understand that you are probably having to tell some of your friends about this diagnosis for the first time. They may struggle to know what to say or do, if it has come as a shock to them. You've already had the shock of the diagnosis, so are already working on living with this. 

I didn't go into detail with anyone except one very good friend, about either of my cancers. There are still people who don't even know I've had cancer. Others, I only told on a need-to-know basis and without any details, eg my Manager at work. I have one good friend who still doesn't know two years later, and rightly or wrongly I made the decision to not tell her as she herself was going through some very tough treatment for cancer. I will probably tell her at some stage but that time has not yet come.

I may be misreading your post, but it sounds as if your husband is someone who goes into detail over the situation? Perhaps that's the way he can best cope, if so? If you were talking with your friends, do you think you would perhaps go into less detail and just outline the situation and then move on to alternative plans that you could arrange with your friends? 

Invariably, people who haven't been touched by cancer - and even some of those who have - do find it very hard to know what to say to someone. Some people's lives are barely changed by their cancer (I am so far one of those fortunate ones) whilst others have their lives turned upside down by it. You are living your lives in the best way possible at the moment but it isn't the same as the lifestyle that your friends are probably still enjoying, because of the constraints of your husband's treatment. 

You sound very positive people in the face of this diagnosis. I think I am trying to say, this positivity could perhaps rub off on your friends if you could get them to see that there are so many things you both can still do and enjoy. You've had to accept that there are some things you can no longer enjoy in the way that you used to, but that would be true about other life stages too - such as, someone with arthritis no longer being able to run like they used to, or someone with osteoporosis having to give up ice skating or horse riding due to the high risk. 

Hold onto your positivity. You are doing great so far! 

Hi Maite

Thank you for your kind reply, I really appreciate it. On this particular occasion my rant was because we are reconnecting after many years with a couple who live a long way from us and so we kind of lost touch over the years while we all had kids, but they got back in touch recently and we’re going to fly out to see them for a weekend next month. But it’s hard to know when to mention the cancer situation, and you’re so right about that decision of who and what to tell - in this case we really just wanted to let them know not to plan lots of pub trips, as my husband can’t drink alcohol anymore. Anyway he told them the basics, that he’s on chemo drug that makes him tired plus can’t drink, so to forgive us if we aren’t as energetic as 25 years ago when we last met up with them! It was of course fine and I’m sure we’ll have a lovely time, and as you say, health changes for everyone in different ways. I guess it just hit me a bit harder as it brought it home a bit - they are about to embark on some freedom whereas we are dealing with a life limiting condition, though of course I’m happy for them and don’t want our situation to darken any of these experiences. 
Thank you for sharing your experience of your cancer, it sounds like you’ve been through the mill too, but it’s very helpful to hear how people cope with it and who they tell. I think you’re right about learning to tell the bare minimum, and then move on. I tend to be someone that feels they should tell a whole story but I’m learning that’s not always the best way, as people don’t know what to say plus it leaves me feeling worse as I’ve just reminded myself again about it all. 
I guess after 18 months of learning that it’s life limiting, and with 3 monthly scans, we are working out ways to enjoy life where we can - not always easy but we want to be enjoying time with family and friends. And in some ways the cancer news has sharpened that desire - my husband has said it’s given him impetus to say yes to things more, which is no bad thing. 
Anyway thanks again!