Mum's cancer is terminal

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My mum was diagnosed with bowel cancer in January. It spread quickly and in May she found out that it was terminal, she quit her job that she loved. She was offered a drug to help her symptoms but she had a bad reaction to it and couldn't continue. Then in August she was told it had spread to her brain. She was told she can no longer drive. My mum lives with me, my husband our two children aged 16 and 12, they know an age appropriate amount.

I'm struggling. Mum has lost her independence and spends all day every day at home. I work in a school so the six weeks holiday were great for spending time with mum and driving her places. Since the new school year started I feel like I've abandoned her and she feels lonely and is feeling so down.

In herself she has been ok, she has sorted paperwork and been very matter of fact about it all. My dad is no longer with us and my brother, who lives a few roads away, is quite honestly rubbish. He isn't coping and basically any news has to go through his wife and she tells him when they are alone.

I've been ok, getting on with things but it hit me driving to work this morning that we are just waiting for her to die, it's just the most horrible waiting game. It's a horrible thing to think I know. Right now I can't let myself think about a life without my mum. I am glad that she lives with us so I can keep an eye on her but on the other hand it's so hard sometimes.

I feel guilty for being so selfish.

latchbrook 2 months ago

Hi RealLife and a very warm welcome to the online community which I hope you'll find is both an informative and supportive place to be.

I haven't been in your position, as I was the one with cancer, but I noticed that your post hadn't had any replies yet. Responding to you will 'bump' it back to the top of the discussion list again.

"Never regret a day in your life, good days give you happiness, bad days give you experience"

Footymum 1 month ago

Hello, thank you for sharing and I can relate to your post so much!. I'm sending you my thoughts. In September my mum was diagnosed with incurable lung cancer and brain mets after a random blood test. It hit us like a brick - we had no idea. In less than 3 weeks later, I had relocated her some 300 miles to my family home and she has been with us for about 8 days. In that 8 days, we have laughed, chatted, and she has gained 5lbs in weight. It's incredibly hard, I have a young family, work full time and have had to restart anti depressants that I had weaned myself off.

I've reflected today and realised that I must be kind to myself. I'm here for my mum but it's ok to feel impatient sometimes and struggle to adjust to change.

Be strong and remember that this time is precious. I've told myself that no matter how hard this is, I will have the privilege of looking back and taking reassurance and comfort from the 121 time I spent with my mum.

Xxx

Well wisher 1 month ago

You should not feel guilty and I think you are being far from selfish. During times of crisis we go through various emotions which is quite natural, especially when we feel overburdened. My partner has incurable pancreatic cancer. He has just gone 75 and I am heartbroken because I don't know how much time we have left together. I can't. stop crying but he seems to be strong and accepted the situation. He says we all have to die sometime which, of course, is true but not something we want to face up to. This may be no consolation to you but it's the quality of life that matters and not the quantity. I have a son who is 34 and he has done more in those 34 years than I've done in 71. So think of the good times you've spent with your Mum and carry on having as good a time with her as you can.

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