Hi all,
Dad was diagnosed Nov '22 with S3 NSC Lung Cancer. He had an intense programme of radiotherapy and chemo which ultimately led to the best news imaginable - I was sat with him at his appointment 'the tumor has shrunk away to nothing' said the doctor. Bliss... of course the worry of it returning would always be there, but we had the most wonderful summer including my sister's wedding. He'd had a nasty reaction to some immunotherapy which resulted in pneumanitis meaning he couldn't have a PET scan for months, but the CT was promising and he was told to 'go and live your life'. He brought a boat with all the trimmings. It breaks my heart now to say that he only got on it 3 times. I was away working in sri lanka when I got the call that a shadow on his CT scan (Nov '23 - exactly a year to the day if you can believe it) was causing concern - a PET scan showed it was all back, S4 this time, with mets to his bones. Reality came crashing back like a punch to the stomach and I've been floating through each day in a sense of disbelief ever since. We knew it was incurable, he started 'maintenance' chemo which held things off for a while, but today latest scan results show a progression of the cancer in his left lung. I'm not sure how people survive this as family members - I suppose there isn't a choice. I'm so terrified of what the future looks like for him now - pain and suffering, how will my mom cope, am I going to be able to support my family, what happens next. I'm shattered all the time, I feel numb, exhausted, devastated for the future plans I had with my incredible dad, all the things he can no longer do. I just wish we'd had more times out on the boat.
Noone's ever used the words 'terminal' or 'palliative' with us - not that I know of, he could well be watering this down. I'm not sure why I'm writing all this, but after having the news I have no idea what else to do with myself. It blows my mind that once I thought traffic and slow walkers were an inconvenience, how lucky I was, how blessed I was. And I know I still am - many people don't get to have such relationships with their families but that feeling doesnt make it any easier. I'm so angry to even be a member on this community, I don't want to know all the things I know, I don't want to have to 'make the most of the time you have' or 'make the best memories you can'. I just wish I could rewind the clock.
Hi Iris993
I was at the funeral of a good friend recently and the celebrant said "grief is the price we pay for love" and that really struck a chord with me.
I was confused by the term palliative care and I though it meant end of life but that is not always true since it is actually about treating the symptoms rather than the disease, this can often keep the pain under control but that can be a difficult balance.
I wonder if you have seen the page on Coping with anticipatory grief when you're supporting someone living with cancer because that can be very real indeed.
<<hugs>>
Steve
