My dad has stage 4 bowel cancer and I am struggling

Hi, by the sea, my husband has stage 4 cancer as well and I can understand your anger and frustration. It’s hard not to know what might happen but please look at the bright side- he’s doing really well against his prognosis. My husband has a prognosis in months and every day is special yet hopeful. It incredibly helps to speak with a qualified mental health specialist who’s seen this before. 

Hi Bythesea897 

I'm very sorry to read of your dad's diagnosis. I'm glad to hear that his cancer is responding to treatment. This must be hard for you and your emotions must be changing all the time. I have incurable cancer myself and my cancer has been stable after treatment since September 2022. My prognosis is not good as I only have chemo as a line of treatment. My profile is on if you want to read, just click on my username.

It might be an idea to look into counselling to help you. It may be worth seeing your GP to get more information. I have a daughter and she deals with my situation as - you're ok at the minute, sort of taking things as they come. When I was diagnosed and was later having treatment, she listened to You, me and the big C, on BBC Sounds. This helped her a lot as I think, she came to see, that this illness is now my norm, until it isn't. It helped her to see how others deal with the situation.

These contacts below may be useful for you

BACP www.bacp.org.uk

Anxiety UK www.anxietyuk.org.uk

I hope that your dad gets good results from his treatment and that you find services that help you. Consider calling the Macmillan helpline if you need to talk to someone, they are excellent and will support and help you. This is the link to contact https://www.macmillan.org.uk/about-us/contact-us

A x

Hello, thank you so much for your lovely words. I’ve been with my dad last few days so didn’t get a chance to reply. Thanks for the advice too. I know I want to make the most of the time we have together, that is definitely the most important thing and making sure I do as much as I can for him is my number one priority too. 
I think looking in to some mental health options for myself is the best thing. 

Hello, wow thank you so much for reaching out with your kind words especially when dealing with so much on your own plate. 
I think speaking to people going through similar situations is the best thing for me right now so I will look in to all these options. I want to take care of my own mental health whilst I feel I am struggling because I just want to be there for my dad at the moment. It does all feel scary but I know I want to make all the little things and moments count as much as possible.  

My dad was given the news a month ago that he had 6wks to 6 months and after the intital shock it turned into anger then sadness. And now i think for me the whole idea of talking about it to my friends or my partner almost feels like im going on about it and i personally feel like i need to shelve it in some way. My dad apart from the chemo and losing his hair seems fine but we know he is struggling yet im trying my hardest not to get upset infront if him but am i right to do this? Its certainly making us be more open with each other but everytime i leave him i sit in the car for a while with tears rolling down my face yet have to roll up to work all happy and motivate the team i run knowing that i just want to go home and curl up in a ball and hide

Hi Luke, I totally get how you are feeling
I feel like I’m going on about it too with friends/partner as the situation hasn’t changed. And I don’t feel positive about it. I totally get the feelings of anger and sadness that are just bubbling under the surface and not going away.
I feel the same too about not getting upset in front of my dad (although I have). He is very stoic but was struggling more the last week I saw him (in terms of tiredness, pain seeming a bit more worried). I think showing emotion in front of them is not wrong as it just comes from love/care however holding it together where I can in front of him, helps me to feel like I’m trying to be strong for him. But there is nothing wrong with showing emotion for the people we love. 

And I totally get having to hold it together whilst as work and then coming away and having a total energy crash and non stop crying. I feel like that seeing friends too. I think at the moment it is just taking us more energy to wear a mask/try and be normal. And sadly all of that is to be expected. 

I think our brains have started the grieving process so although it is hard and sad it is all to be expected. I wish you all the best and hope you can find some more support too. But just know I totally get how you are feeling, especially feeling angry all the time and these feelings of pain come from love. X

Hi there, so sorry you have to deal with such a dire situation. 

My wife had a metastatic adenocarcinoma in the stomach, stage 4. After several years of pain undiagnosed she was eventually told in 2022 the official diagnosis. 

Your feelings of anger, frustration, resentment etc are all perfectly normal, and a natural reaction to an awful situation. All you can do is live one day at a time, and remain hopeful. In the last few months I cared for my wife 24/7 as she lost the use of her legs due to a tumor on her spine, which they blasted with radiotherapy but that only took away the back pain, she was still unable to walk or move her legs. 

You never know, your dad could go on for a long time yet and remain in reasonable health, my wife lived a full life of adventures right up till February this year, when she started to go down hill. She never gave up, was always smiling and stayed so strong, and that lives on in me today.

i know what I’ve said doesn’t really help you, I guess I just want you to know that you’re most definitely not alone. If you need to shout, scream, cry or just vent at the world, then I’m here, as are so many others. 

You can manage this, you are stronger than you know, and you will pull through no matter what happens, you must. You have my thoughts and prayers, and so does your Dad. Take care ️

Firstly im so sorry for your loss and your kind openness. Your story is one of sadness obviously but she sounded like a truly amazing lady who you talk about with such admiration its messages like this that not only bring me to tears but feel like i am certainly not alone hence im thankful for being on here. It astounds me that people who have been through or are going through have the compassion to reach out and offer support, advice and help.

I cant begin to explain how i was feeling this morning whilst ive braved the coldness of a walk to clear my head but its truly put a smile on my face and made my day. For that i cant thank you enough and wish you well for your future and please know this act of kindness will be passed on as it should. 

Thank you again