Husbands Cancer

Not sure I have written on the right page. I am struggling immensely with what feels like grief raw heart shattering grief. Am I supposed to be feeling like this even when he’s still here with us. 

Hi Bexx, 

I’m really sorry to hear about your husbands diagnosis and how you are feeling.
My partner is in a similar situation with oesophageal cancer that’s now not curable; initially it was meant to be operable but that changed after chemo didn’t shrink the tumour enough. The point of telling you that is that I remember such similar feelings to what you are describing; we had first the shock of cancer, and then when it moved to palliative there was a further shock, coupled with a huge amount of raw emotions as a result. The life you thought was going to happen together is stripped away and for me there were waves of grief that would completely floor me. I think it’s totally natural to feel this kind of grief even though the person is still with us; you can’t escape the knowledge of what’s going to happen in the future and that future loss. 
My partner moved to palliative care last May-ish so about 10 months ago and my experience has been that the intensity of the feelings have shifted and changed with time. Somehow you learn to live with it and adapt to the knowledge that the future is short together. We plan on a 3 month cycle so we can be relatively sure we can achieve those goals. Every experience we have feels like a win. It sounds counterintuitive but for me  knowing he is not going to make it and adjusting to that has made life calmer; the shock and processing part that you might be in now was for me the toughest aspect. It’s still heart breaking but it’s more manageable now.
i hope some of that helps you. Mostly I’d say what you are feeling is normal, and to try and take care of yourself within that, and find trusted friends or family that you can talk to about it. And to hang on in there as you will adapt somehow, as hard as that may seem. You are not alone feeling this way. 
Sending lots of love to you.  

Hi Bella, thank you ever so much for your beautifully written words.

It’s been a long emotionally draining week and it’s not letting up. I hope these feelings of pain, anxiety, fear, loss, dread leave me soon and I can focus on the now, on my husband, my children and not let the cancer with take any more away from us. 

x

Hi Bexx85,

I'm so, so sorry to hear about your husbands diagnosis and completely understand your feelings right now. I think they call it anticipatory grief. I suffered this when my Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. I can only speak from experience, but once the shock has settled and the anger eased a bit you will find a strength from within you. You just do. You must make as many memories as possible, and enjoy the time you have together as a family. 

Please also look after yourself too.....it's so, so important. Reach out to Macmillan, Maggie's centre (if there is one near you) and post on here. Sometimes just typing away can help. It's strangely comforting to know there are lots of people out there in the same situation....and you're not alone.

Sending love and strength to you&your family. Xxx

I feel the same.. we were told on Wednesday that my husbands stage 4 colon cancer is incurable and it was a shock.. he starts chemo on Wednesday but it’s so hard not making any plans for the future and just not having a clue on how what happens next.

I know how you feel. My husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer last week and he was told it was terminal because he wasnt a candidate for surgery nor chemo.  He was only in hospital a few days then allowed home. He is having a stent fitted tomorrow the rest is an unknown. .  My head is spinning with who to contact and what to expect going forward, what help will he get at home. Its been an emotional roller coaster this past week and it isnt stopping.

I understand this feeling. My husband was told there was a tumour on his kidney. It was removed and we thought that was it but after a ct scan we discovered it had spread and he will have palliative treatment only. This is so hard to process and the waiting to see the oncologist is awful as no one seems to know what the timescale for anything is. We don’t know what to do and he is too exhausted to do anything. It’s just one long round of tests and appointments with only bad news. 

I was told the same Jan 2023 , so I was given a Target drug - chosen for the individual Cancer that I have.  After about 9 Months it stopped working and so now I am getting on with 'Living' - no Pain thankfully - how long is the piece of string - I think it is getting shorter.  I have never accepted that the Experts got my diagnosis right - until  recently - and now I wish I hadn't made it so very hard for my Wife.  It is a shock and difficult to understand, 'Why me',   The MDT are simply the best and work hard to give me as much time as possible.   Wishing you all the best and days that are filled with love.