Hey all,
My mum has been battling for over two years now and it’s been brutal. The worst bit has been the past month. She ended up having a heart attack which caused pulmonary embolism and then caused blood clots and her main advanced cancer oesophageal tumour to rupture and bleed internally.
She went to A and E and it’s been a very hard struggle, she’s now on permanent oxygen, is mega poorly and barely capable to do anything for herself like go to the toilet, clean herself etc.
She desperately wanted to get home. Which I respected so I’ve moved in with her to care for her full time. I’ve given up work and such for the past few months to help and be there.
Now the mega brutal part. She is refusing her medicine from me. She’s on a lot of different types allsorts but mainly for pain and asthma symptoms which as she’s on oxygen with a failing heart and blood clots in lungs I would feel is important.
I know it’s end of life care. I understand she may not want treatment anymore and is hardly eating or drinking but I’m really struggling with it landing on my head as I’m her carer and her daughter so it’s destroying me to be honest. I keep begging her to take pain meds as it’s to keep her confertable but she’s gotten so angry with me shouting and stuff so I’m scared to try and care for her now or offer her anything. It’s such a difficult situation I don’t know what to do I mean I don’t know maybe a hospice would be better but I don’t think it will be as I know she wants to die at home but it’s just totally destroying my head that she’s kind of making me part of her death if you get me?
Maybe I’m being unreasonable and selfish I don’t know but I’ve not slept for two days so her oxygen mask stays on and I can lift her on to the commode at all times of night etc because I love her.
But I just don’t know what I’m supposed to do I feel like I’m killing her because she won’t take her meds or eat and drink and I’m kinder starting to think she might be doing it on purpose now as she’s had enough.
its just utter torture for me and I’m really losing my mind as I love her so much but she’s shouting at me and making me feel awful, with the bonus of me having to watch her die and die next to me.
Any help advice much appreciated I just don’t know what to do it’s making me feel so unwell and hate my life as well as she’s clearly unhappy.
Hi Helenk I am sorry to hear about the situation that your mum is in, this is an awful lot for you to be dealing with. I helped my dad to care for my mum at home, I cannot imagine what that is like to do this on your own. Reading your post, the love for your mum shines through, and it is obvious you are doing the best for her. There is only so much one person can do on their own. Are you getting support? Do you have a nurse come in? My mum had a Macmillan nurse who came in every day.
It is very hard to make someone take their medication if they don’t want to, I think this is something you may want to talk to mums GP about. It’s a very difficult situation, and my heart goes out to you.
My mum was in hospital for a very long time before she decided she wanted to come home. In the end she had to go into a hospice, but she was only there for one night. It was her decision to go there in the end, although she had been adamant that she wanted to die at home up until that point.
I don’t know if you have called the Macmillan support line before, but they are there to support you through this, please do not feel that you have to do this alone. They are available 7 days a week from 8am until 8pm on 0808 808 00 00.
