Thankfully another day … though I am filled with concern, worry, even guilt.

My husband has Acute Myeloid Leukaemia.  He has been having more and more difficulty as the days go on.  Haematologist said months … and that was quite a few months ago.  GP doctor said recently that he’d be surprised if he died with the coming months.  Sadly I don’t think the GP sees the often struggling times husband has.  He managed to get up this morning, but only to carefully creep down the stairs to his sofa which he never left.  He had nausea most of the day but nothing came up (fortunately).  He is getting weaker and more short of breath.  I helped his up stairs to bed a short while ago, though he was almost crawling up the stairs.  I helped him as best I could to get him to bed.  He even said he didn’t deserve me, which I immediately said otherwise.  

He is in a bad place, his body is failing.  He refuses hospital or Hospice, when that time might come.  I will support him the best I can.  Perhaps if things get too difficult, we can have some day support.  As I’ve said before, I don’t want to wish this away; I want my husband in my life.  Of course I don’t want him to suffer.

I am so alone, though from this site, I recognize there are many others who are in similarly difficult, stressful, and sad situations.  No just about everything with house managing, errands, computer, bill paying is up to me.  That is overwhelming at times … so much to do, not enough time or energy.  What to do, what not to do.

This morning he said as he struggled in the bathroom that he didn’t know how much longer he could keep this up.  It seems that there is little anyone can do.  We just get on with life as best we can.  He has appointment for blood to be taken tomorrow late morning. I hope he’ll be able to manage that.  I don’t think he could have managed anything like that today.

Adding to stresses and frustrations, he is profoundly deaf. In the past week, he lost part of one hearing aid and then misplaced the other … so no hearing aids at all.  I write some messages but communication is so difficult.

I’m on my own, but then again, I don’t have the time to spend with other people or activities.  I’m tired and feeling a bit worn out.  On one hand I wonder how I can manage, though I figure I’ll muddle through the best I can, tackling the challenges as they confront me.