Hello
My Husband of 68 is now on 3rd round of chemo - bowel cancer stage 4 - palliative. Unfortunately he was in denial and it ended up being an emergency admission through A&E in April 22. After a successful Hartman operation and removal of lymph nodes. We were told it had spread to the stomach lining and he should have 8 rounds of Capox chemo. He ended up having 7 rounds as the side effects were coming to the point of being permanent. The scan in December 22 showed promise with a clear result. However in July this year it had spread to his lungs and adrenal glands. He has just had 7 cycles of Filforel but the 3 month scan showed a new tumour in the liver, so he is now being prescribed Lonserf. When we asked the consultant what happens if this doesn’t work he said there isn’t much but he may be considered for a clinical trial.
Apparently he has a 40% chance that it could work.
I try so hard to be positive and feel like if I collapse and give in to my worries I will let him down as he seems to be positive and we can’t talk about any negative outcomes.
the only way I find to deal with it is to almost put my head in the sand (like him) and hope for the best!
How does anyone cope with this? We have two grown up children and he won’t let me tell them about anything negative - he is trying to protect them.
He is a good father and grandad but I just don’t know what to do for the best.
I have aging parents who need care (mother with dementia) and I now work part time but our lives seem unreal. We have not been told it’s terminal so that must be a good sign?
I don’t know what I am asking really - I suppose I just need to put in in words.
Thank you
Hi Nell3
I'm very sorry to read your post and all that you are going through. I have incurable cancer myself and it is often stated that we are incurable but treatable. However, I am very much the realist and know that I won't be treatable forever and there will come a point when chemo won't work. My oncologist said that chemo loses effectiveness with each round as the cancer finds ways to overcome it. I read that your husband has been on several types of chemo already, with only a 40 per cent chance of this one working.
It must be very hard work to remain positive all the time and not be able to show your true feelings. I would feel for myself, that this is very stressful in itself.
I can't tell you which approach is best for you. Can you carry on as your husband would like or do you need to have a conversation with him about how you are feeling and how to go forward? Are you able to speak to your husbands specialist nurse? May I also suggest that you ring the Macmillan helpline and speak to someone about your worries and how you are feeling. This is the link to contact https://www.macmillan.org.uk/about-us/contact-us
Best regards to you all.
A x
Hi sistermoon
thank you so much for your reply - it can’t be easy as you are going through this yourself.
I keep thinking if we are positive we will beat this.
It sounds crazy that I would find it hard to broach the reality with him as I can talk about everything else and we have always been best friends and open and honest but this has beaten us both. He may even be trying to protect me as he knows I am a positive person and always try to make the best of any situation.
I don’t know if we have a specialist nurse, but I will try and find out.
I feel like I am wearing a shield and if it gets broached, the flood gates will open and I won’t be as strong anymore.
I can’t upset my children as they adore their Dad.
I know we will find a way but it’s tricky.
All the best with your journey through this awful illness and thank you for taking the time to respond.
take care
X
Hi Nell3
Thank you for your reply. In my honest opinion, this situation is not doing your health any good. Suppressing emotion is not good for the body. You don't want to upset your adult children but they will be able to see that your husband is not well eventually.It is not you both that will upset them, it is cancer and it is not either of your fault that your husband has it. We all die in the end, of one thing or another. It is taking a lot of energy to keep this under wraps. Please think about phoning the Macmillan helpline as I think they will give you good advice, link is in the previous post. Show your husband these posts as a conversation opener maybe. Accept the help and support to make this path easier for you both. My very best wishes.
A x
Thank you so much - you have given good advice and I know in my heart you are right!
I will definitely do my best to deal with this and be brave enough to tackle it.
Kindest regards and best of luck for your own journey
H x
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