My mum was diagnosed with terminal cancer last week, and given a prognosis of 6 months. I’m in and out of denial and grief and guilt and regret for various things. She’s always been a very strong woman, but at the same time emotionally like a child. As a result we’ve had a very complex relationship, and there’s part of me that sees her as very powerful and another part that sees her as very innocent and vulnerable, and I’ve had this since I was extremely young, veering between feeling like I’m the small one, and she’s the small one. I have complex PTSD as a result of my childhood, and as an adult I needed to take a break away from contact with my mum for several years, to try and fathom my own reality rather than be subsumed in hers. I’m not sure why I’m saying all this, except that now, I’m only seeing her as the perfect mum, I can’t see her complexity any more, just this beautiful woman/ innocent child and I have so much pain and guilt and regret, even though it was right and necessary for me to take some time away from her in the past. Ive always had problems with guilt and I guess her dying was always going to pull up every last bit of regret I could find.
Ive been staying with my mum for the past 2 months and have a plan now to visit my own home for a couple of weeks to get some rest, see my partner who’s also unwell, and then come back to stay with my mum for the remainder of her time, and care for her. Reading this forum, I’m getting scared about what that will look like. But even before that, I’m scared about taking the 2 weeks at home. I’m scared she will die while I’m not here, and I go back and forth on the decision all day long. I don’t want to risk letting her down in ANY way, but I’m aware I also need to look after myself and make grown up decisions, rather than traumatised child decisions. I just find it so hard to grieve without guilt and regret getting in there.
