Dad dying of oesophageal cancer

Broke my heart today. Dad told me it is like entering a new living nightmare every time he wakes up from sleep. I just want to take this all away from him but I can’t. 

Tonight, Dad talked about how he dreads the evenings and nighttime falling because he can’t enjoy his sleep like he used to. He gets pains and feels unusual feelings inside and gets hot in bed. He lays awake thinking frightening thoughts. He says his body is no longer his own. It has been taken over. I hate that I can’t help him other than hug him tight. 

The district nurse has advised dad to take small doses of liquid morphine before bedtime. He has been waking with pain in his back and chest and also feeling very hot. He is finding it harder to have a good night’s sleep. 

Dad’s chest and back pains appear to be increasing. Particularly at night. He is going to take morphine for the first time, probably before bed tonight. But Calpol still helping. He also has an increasingly noticeable dry cough for which he takes just simple linctus. When he speaks his voice often trips into a cough. Also wheezing more on exertion. He is eating fairly well since his stent. Even cottage pie and chocolate pudding. But he is increasingly anxious about what is to come. So hard to know what to say to my lovely Dad. What can I say? So hard to see these slight changes every day. 

He is going to see some old friends this week. Hope that will cheer him up. 

So Dad is now sleeping most of the day, I would say, though is eating and enjoys Corrie and the soaps at night. He seems better and more himself at night. He sometimes talks in his sleep in the day and wakes with a start. He is eating most of the things he has managed for the past few weeks, but maybe a bit less. Difficult to judge. He has back and chest pain and has also started wheezing a little, particularly at night. Not noticeable to us but to him. He has lung metastasis as well as his oesophageal cancer. Who knows which is causing it. The palliative nurse has given him an inhaler to help with his wheeze. And she has told him to take 2.5ml morphine 4 x a day if he needs it. Blood pressure and other stats not too bad. He will also need a little more laxative as morphine can apparently cause constipation. 

I just wanted to send you some love after reading through your thread. I am currently caring for my mum who is in the early stages of being diagnosed with incurable cancer. It really is heartbreaking what they have to go through and for you too, that has to watch their pain. Thank you for sharing your journey as it helps others. Stay strong, you are doing an amazing job x 

Thank you. I worry it will depress people. But an kind of using the thread as therapy as much as anything, I think. But if it helps someone to understand something, or come to terms with something, then it’s been worthwhile writing. I send you and your mum all best wishes. xx

I’m annoyed because I stupidly deleted a post from a week ago. Hope I can remember it! 

8 days ago. Dad had a busy but tiring day. He had an old family friend come to see him. It was lovely but took it out of him. And also tiring for mum. He was able to enjoy however lunch of soup, crusty bread, his favourite blue cheese  and a chocolate dessert. More than he’s eaten for a while. We also later walked round to the polling station and he voted in the parliamentary by-election. He was determined to get there. He and mum both just slept in the evening. But it was nice for him to have a bit of normal life. And a chat with a friend.  

And another thing to add today. How lovely some neighbours and dog walking friends have been. Dad always dropped a freebie local paper into a couple of neighbours when walking the dog. They are now doing it for him. So kind. 

Dad took the advice of the nurse yesterday and has taken more morphine today. He has been more comfortable with both the chest pain and his cough. The inhaler is also helping. He actually slept better last night, he said. 

I sometimes just wake up crying. Today is one of those. I think Dad is suffering more with his breathing. It makes me wonder, he was saved from a heart attack 8 years or so ago by terrific surgeons. I believe he was saved again by his oesophageal stent from starving to death a few weeks ago. He didn’t really want the stent but was persuaded to have it. But now what is left? A difficult time with his breathing and chest pain? Would it have been better to let him go earlier? Are we playing God when we shouldn’t? It’s always bad when I wake up early and my mind runs riot. 

I had a nice day out with mum yesterday, just shopping. She needed it. I needed it. Watching this happening is so intense. When someone tells you they or someone close to them has cancer, you say things like I’m sorry to hear that. But you have no idea the anxiety and shock they are going through really.