Hello. 3.20am and have been at the hospital for 43 hours straight. Very little sleep. Slept on the floor and in a chair a bit. Dad was diagnosed with what we thought was a benign pituitary tumour at the beginning of December 2022. Since then, it's been found he has cancer of unknown primary and it's spread to multiple places. He is not well enough for any treatment. He is now for palliative care. They said it would be within 24hrs well over 24hrs ago now. I am so tired. Other family have been and gone to support but I don't want to leave him. I feel I have to be there for his last breath. I know people will tell me maybe if I leave, he will slip away. I just feel so confused, and like my heart is being torn in 2 directions. My brain feels like a washing machine with all these emotions. Ironically I am a mental health professional by background and know all of this is probably normal, it's just very hard to say that to myself when it's happening in my own life. I feel awful as well as due to the stress I have had a massive smoking relapse. I will quit, but given one of the cancers my dad has in in the lung, I feel awful. He is also on a ward where I used to work and still do time to time... My colleagues are seeing me in my most vulnerable state and it's so hard. I feel so guilty, all I can think is I just want him to die now and I feel so terribly guilty for feeling like this. I just want him to be at peace, and then this awful waiting period will be over and myself and my family can grieve. I also feel overwhelmed by the prospect of everything that will need to be sorted. When my dad was hospitalised, my mum who has Alzheimer's was shortly hospitalised after due to a seizure and as my dad won't be coming home, she will have to go into a care home. Also feel awful about this. I am only 30, I never expected this to happen at my age. I know many others lose loved ones much younger, or their bereaved are much younger than my parents are, but I just cannot for the life of me wrap my head around what is happening right now... it's utterly bonkers.
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Oh Cloudy92 I just want to give you a huge hug. I have no words ....
Life is so cruel and watching our loved ones suffer is so hard.
One step at a time. You know all the feelings and emotions are "normal" so let them flow. It's the strongest most resilient among us who show those emotions.
Please remember that you're not alone here. This community is here to support you too and MacMillan are only a phone call away. The number's below.
Sending you love and light and hugs and strength.
Wee Me xx
Macmillan Support Line - 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week between 8am-8pm
