Hi all
I've been directed to this group for support and was looking for advice (seems to be all I am doing at the moment!). So long story short, my Mum has small cell lung cancer which has now spread to her liver and no further treatment options are available. She has been given months left to live and looking online I'd take a guess at 3 months at most with it being in the liver. My siblings are estranged from her and have been for years. No obvious fall out, they just stopped coming to see her and my brother has always been very distant anyway (we used to call him the prodigal son).
I spoke to her about telling them when she was diagnosed 3 years ago and she flat out told me no. Then about a year ago my sister turned up at her door out of the blue and my Mum told her she had cancer and that she was no welcome. My dad is their step-dad and they've always had a strained relationship for one reason or another which I won't go into now. Anyway, I'll get to the point - when she was given the devastating news last week, I asked her again if I should tell them. She initially said no and I explained to her that even though they don't speak they still have a right to know that their Mum is dying. The way I see it, it would leave them with so much guilt and unanswered questions, which could affect them.
She has now agreed that I can tell them, but under no circumstances does she want to see them, and I will respect her decision on that. I still haven't got round to telling them, we haven't spoken for some time either. I have both my brother and sister on social media, and I don't want to tell them over a message, I can call, but I'm struggling with what to say and I am still in two minds with whether to do it or not! I don't want to cause any rifts at this stage as I want my Mum's stress levels to be as low as possible, so I don't want to risk them ignoring my instructions of not seeing her and doing it anyway. Which in turn will cause arguments between me and my Dad no doubt.
I'm just at a loss with what to do for the best and wondered if anyone else has been in a similar situation to me and what you did?
Thanks
HI cmb89
oh what a dilemma for you. I really feel for you all here.
The closest I've come to a similar situation was with my brother-in-law. My husband was given a terminal diagnosis in Sept 2020. He thinks he's close to his brother - I beg to differ. The last I spoke to my brother-in-law was a week after my husban'd surgery. All he was worrying about was how to tell his kids their uncle was dying. To be frank, those kids wouldn't know my husband if they fell over him. They have seen him at most once a year over the past 12 years. I said to my brother-in-law to explain it to them in language that they would understand but that perhaps the first time he came to visit, he should come himself and judge the state of play. He has never visited. My husband has travelled across the country twice to meet up with him.
I guess part of my advice to him fits here. Make the call but stress that you all need to keep your mum's wishes at the heart of things and that they need to respect those. No one should want to make an already difficult situation worse, but the fact your mum has agreed you can tell them is a start. Who knows- she may want to see them in time. None of us can predict the future here.
I'm sure others may add their opinions below but at the end of the day, go with your gut instinct here. Please also know that you can reach out here anytime. There's always someone around to listen who gets it.
It’s always good to talk so please remember that you can also call the Macmillan Support Services on 0808 808 00 00 - most services are open 8am to 8pm, 7 days a week Clicking here to see what is available. This service provides lots of cancer information, emotional support, benefit and financial guidance or just a listening ear.
love n hugs
Wee Me xx
Macmillan Support Line - 0808 808 00 00, 7 days a week between 8am-8pm
