Just need a listening ear please. My brother was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer back in sept, a few weeks before my own breast cancer diagnosis.
He lives in a care home , as he has Schizophrenia since a young age…I was a child when he was sectioned. We’d lost touch for many years and he has been very gracious in wanting to see me again, which I have been doing as regularly as I can what with cancer and not being able to drive, so being reliant on a friend. It’s bittersweet, as I am loving reconnecting but also struggling at times with feeling guilty for not having been there for him over the years ( have had a lot of major life stressors that affected my mental health) but I’m trying my best to be here for him now.
I came to see him this Friday just gone and ended up back to see him yesterday, as he’d declined in the night. He’s not been managing to eat and was throwing up. He is so thin now, as he was thin anyway due to not having much of an appetite, probably from being a lifelong smoker.
The district nurses have hooked him up to a needle driver to pump in anti sickness, morphine and anti anxiety meds. I’ve ended up staying the night, as I hated the thought of him being alone in his room. The staff kindly made a bed up for me, as he is now in a suite with a conservatory style room.
Ive had a sleepless night , trying to be there for him and ring the buzzer for the staff when his needle drive has gone funny and sounded an alarm. The staff are so lovely and kind and are going out of their way to keep him here in the home and comfortable, as it would be so upsetting for him to have to go to hospital , as he suffers with terrible anxiety.
He’s just been sick and it’s breaking my heart.I want to be here for him but I’m also struggling. I will have to leave this evening , as I have a major dental procedure tomorrow and I’m just feeling so awful about leaving him.
Thank you if you’ve read this far, I just needed to talk
I’m sorry I don’t have anything useful to say, but just wanted you to know you’ve been heard and you’re not alone. I know it helps me to vent and just have someone hear x
One of the staff caught me crying and shared with me how she had nursed her own mother and sister through terminal cancer. She told me I had to take breaks and pace myself, let others step in. She understood exactly how painful it is to watch a loved one slowly die. I told her I wished there was more I could do and she said I was doing something by being with him, as I would be a great comfort. She was so kind, I felt so reassured to know she was looking after my brother. Where would we be without all these people who work to look after people. She told me my brother was her favourite, I could tell she genuinely meant it