Hello, all. I'm caring for my wife of 30+ years who was diagnosed with hormonal breast cancer in 2016, stage 4 metastasised into the spine. That was all dealt with and we moved on with our lives. Now, it's back with a vengeance throughout her skeleton and now her liver as well. She was pronounced terminal because she's already had so much radio, but they did a last round of radio on C3 in her neck, I think literally to keep her head on. The oncs waffle about life expectancy, but her latest hormone treatment is not working so far and everyone is looking glu
I'm doing my best to take care of her - she's functioning pretty much normally so far, though chemo brain is bad with mood swings, irritability, loss of logic and memory. (We're not young - I have memory issues too, so I get it). But I'm doing my best. Thing is, we live in an overseas country with good health care, but we're here for my job and the job is in a bad state because of Covid. If I lose the job, we have to leave the country and try to establish health care and all the rest for her somewhere else. And I'm in my 60s and not anyone's first choice in a hiring round. Finances are bad and probably going to get worse. And to top it off, my mother - who I am lucky to still have around, I know - is now declining with dementia and I can't be there to help and support. The last brick for me is that my wife does not want her condition to be known, which I absolutely support and understand, but which leaves me with nowhere to turn to for a sympathetic ear.
So that's why I'm here. I don't know how to manage all this. I can't do it on my own. I have to watch my sweetheart die - it was love at first sight in 1985 at a jam session and the love has never changed - and I can't stop it, I can't even slow it down. I can only try, despite my own depression and fear (and angina...), to be positive at the right times, quiet at the right times, helpful when she wants it and not when it irritates her, and all the rest that you all already know all about.
There it is. I work all day, I manage all the hospital and doctor calls and correspondence (there's a language barrier here, so she can't do any of that), I give her injections as part of her treatment, and I take anxiolytic pills three times a day to try to keep my keel in the water at least, if not exactly even.
And I think of what will happen when the final decline occurs, and what will happen afterwards, what I will do, and I feel so guilty about that, so flawed and inadequate. I should be a relentless force of optimism shouldn't I? Her utterly dependable Good. And I can't always do it. Can't always be that.
I can't do this alone. Thank you for being there, whoever you all are with your own deep suffering. Thank you.
Rivoli
First of all let me just say how awful it is to have to meet in this way. But while none of us want to be here, in these groups, I can honestly say they offer a source of comfort.
While it is not my partner I am here for, I understand your pain of having a terminal diagnosis so close to you. My dear father fought off lung and oesophageal cancer a few years ago but a month ago after showing some symptoms, we learned it is back with a vengeance and he has been given weeks/months to live.
I can’t imagine the pain you must feel, to be going through this with your sweetheart.
As hard as it must be, it’s wonderful you are respecting her decision for privacy. What strength that must take for you both. But like you say, you don’t have to do this on your own if you don’t want to, this community is here, anonymously to help respect you wife’s wishes.
The stress of your work, well now is not the time to have to be worrying about that as well is it! I do hope you are able to remain where you are. You are going through enough stress as it is.
How is your wife today? And also, how are you today? Taking note of your emotions and how everyone is feeling each day is important. There will be good days. There will be bad days. Feel them all. Accept the bad days and own them.
How is your wife in terms of emotionally dealing with this? Are you able to communicate openly about the situation? My mum and dad are a little head in sand at the moment with each other. I think it hurts too much to talk about it. My dad and I are very open with each other and we talk about how we feel. It helps. It’s awfully sad though. But I would regret not having these conversations.
Do you have much support in terms of family and friends nearby? Even if they don’t know what is happening, just someone to spend time with? For your own mental well-being?
Feeling scared about your future and what happens after is completely understandable. Don’t feel like you are letting anyone down by thinking that way.
Sending lots of love your way, to both of you 
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