My husbands condition is deteriorating and I don’t know what to do. After being told his chemo is no longer working and trying to come to terms with that , he has since spent nearly a week in hospital (where as much as I always defend hospitals for being short staffed and under funded I can only say that his treatment was shoddy at best - on two occasions after being told to take his morphine tablets home I had to drive in the next morning as he was told the morphine hadn’t been written up on their system so they couldn’t give him anything) Saying this to a man who is clearly in acute pain (he has prostate cancer with mets in his bladder, liver, lungs, spine, ribs and lymphs) , add to that that he was admitted as he had a blood clot in his lung and the MRI discovered two collapsed vertebrae - impeaching on his spinal chord.
Finally managed to get him back home (having had a catheter and leg bag fitted - which no one really told us what to do with so we’re winging it) but today he’s had to have urgent radiotherapy to his spine (to prevent paralysis) and he’s now in even more pain (which we’re told could be the case for up to two weeks)
We are managing to now build up a support network, as the local hospice have sent someone out to our home (and they are amazing) , but how do I get through watching the love of my life in agony knowing there’s nothing I can really do.
He also doesn’t want to ask the big question and I totally get that but I’m also trying to keep my job, as I am going to need it, but how can I just expect them to wait for me to go back indefinitely.
I love my hubby with all of my heart and I want to be with him as much as I possibly can be so how do I balance it. If I don’t work I don’t get paid and whilst we have a bit of savings it will soon go if I don’t work - and I feel mean even thinking this but I am going to need that for after he’s gone as my wage is not good and won’t pay all of the bills.
I feel so conflicted and like I just don’t know which way to turn. I can be strong in the daytime when he’s awake but it’s the nights when he’s sleeping that I feel like I’m unravelling at the seams.
So many people are offering to help and I am trying to accept the practical help, like mowing the lawn and shopping etc but even though my hubby is trying to encourage me to go out and see our grand babies or friends, I know that really he wants me to be here with him as he is more relaxed with me and not embarrassed if his bag leaks or something.
Having a bad day and I’m sure I’ll snap out of it in the morning but apparently it’s good to share. Life really is a rollercoaster.
