Young adult whose mom is dying of cancer - I want my old mom back.

Hi NancyL, 

Im so sorry to read what you are going through, it sounds like you have been on a long and terribly difficult journey with your mum. And whilst i cant relate directly you made me smile with your description, as my Dad was also a fighter, and you helped me with that terminology, thank you! 

I cared for my Dad whilst he fought hard and although we had an amazing team at Oxford, there were times when he fell ill and needed care from closer hospitas and i too felt let down, and thats ok, we are allowed to question treatment/care, thats our role! In my experience I felt for too long i should accept the treatment and care being offered, but eventually i felt the need to get help and i called Macmillan on 0808 808 00 00 and was able to speak to a nurse and discuss his pain releif, which for us made a difference. 

Another support myself and my Dad were so appreciative of was http://www.maggiescentres.org/, Dad loved them and what they did. 

Finally i will be thinking of you and your family and if you need to talk please reach out, to me or the community. 

Much love and all the best, 

JuiceStool (aka Lucie)

Evening NancyL, 

First of all, sending my love to you. What an awful time you are going through. No sugar coating it. It's horrible. Thinking about the future is something you are always going to do. So embrace those thoughts. Talk about them. Don't feel like you can't talk about it. Because you can. And you should. This is happening to you all. My dad has been given weeks/months and I am grieving him, even though he is still here. As I know what is coming. So don't be afraid to talk about that. Anticipatory grief is a thing. 

What have your mum's care team said about her chances of fighting this? What are they saying about her treatment? We are all in the same boat here. Not everyone can understand what you are going through. But we can. We can help. So as you say, thinking you are strong enough is amazing, but don't be afraid to ask for help, to vent, to get angry and to share your sadness. We get it. We are here for you.  

Hope to hear from you soon.

Vicky x

14 years ago this week I lost my dad to cancer, I was 28. He fought (knowing it was terminal for 3 years)

Grieving the loss of your future together is real grief. It's hard because it makes you feel guilty for feeling that way but please don't. I remember being at my brother's wedding and as his bride was walked down the isle by her dad, I remember feeling so sad on what should have been a happy day.  My dad and I just looked at each other, knowing this would never be us. We never spoke of it but we knew and it was heart breaking to think about the things (big and small) that we'd miss out on sharing together.

It must be painful for you to see such a strong figure in your life deteriorate in this way. What you are going through is traumatic and needs it's support in its own right. X

I can't say anything that will ease your pain but if it's helpful, here's some things that I found helped a little:

• I talked to the macmillan nurse about how I was feeling and that really helped. She also helped me to have conversations with dad that were needed but hard for us to do with each other. 
• She fought with me to get hospice care (just for 2 nights to help get him more comfortable and both of us some rest). Sadly the medical side of things is a battle to get the support needed and it helps having someone in your corner.
• I had councilling after his diagnosis (and after). I felt overwhelmed, helpless and it didn't take that away but it helped me cope better.
• I let him still be a dad to me, asked his opinion on stuff, asked to borrow things. It seems silly but in a world where his baby was his carer, it helped for him to know he was still my dad.

I don't know if any of that is helpful or applicable but if nothing else, you know someone is here, listening. Warm thoughts to you  Xxx