Getting things in order, how does that conversation go ?

Hi Hillsider,

The following is from a post I made about 4 years ago (before my wife, Margaret, passed).

If we hadn't done all this, my life would have resembled the insides of a zookeepers bucket.

Please bear in mind that I'm in Australia, so some of the terminology I used may not be correct or appropriate for where you live.

In Australia, if we hadn't taken these steps, I would not have had access to anything that was registered in Margaret's name - bank accounts, council rates, utilities, insurances, etc. - until probate was declared and I had provided many, many, many certified copies of Death Certificates.

One thing I noticed in your post - you referred to your "partner" as opposed to "husband". Under Australian Law, where a husband or wife passes, their estate is passed to the surviving wife/husband under what is called "Natural Succession". The same applies to legally recognised de facto relationships.

Where there is not a legally recognised marriage or de facto relationship, the waters get a bit murkier. If the will has not been updated, it is possible that ex-wives, ex-girlfriends, ex-whatevers can have a crack at dipping their toes into the estate's wading pool (bank accounts, superannuation, insurances, etc.). Where there is no will (i.e. someone has passed "intestate"), it can be a bit of a lottery with bureaucracy adding a layer of complexity to the aforementioned exes.

I'd strongly advise you to get this sorted out for both your peace of mind and for his. If he does nothing, there is no guarantee that his wishes will be fulfilled.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Although it can seem cruel or heartless, the best thing to do is to get everything, and I mean EVERYTHING changed over or written down before your loved one passes.

My wife and I did this very early on and it has been a godsend for several reasons;

1. I now have a far better picture of our overall financial position (my wife was the accountant and the brains in our outfit)
2. I've built a calendar of who has to be paid and when (eliminates surprises and help you plan better)
3. It's helped me prepare for when the worst comes to the worst.

We simply sat down and discussed how ill-prepared I would be if she dropped off the perch tomorrow - and I would have been.

With EVERY company she dealt with, I was listed as an authorised person to act on the account.

DONT FORGET TO DO THIS FIRST.

IF THIS ISN'T DONE, NONE OF THE BELOW MATTERS.

We listed;

• all her bank accounts (BSB, account number, login ID and password)
• all her credit cards (login ID, PIN, password and which bank/account it was linked to)
• all house/contents/life insurance policies (insurer, policy number, login ID/password)
• all superannuation accounts (insurer, account number, login ID/password, attached life insurance)
• all car registration details (comprehensive insurer, comprehensive policy number, CTP policy number)
• all utility (gas/water/electricity) details (provider, account number, online ID/password, bank account for regular withdrawals)
• all email accounts (username and password, email server details)
• all online accounts (URL, username and password)
• update both Wills
• with all insurances and superannuation, we made certain I was named as her beneficiary.

All of her email accounts are now set up on one of my systems, so we don't miss emails any more.

We've had a secondary card issued in my name for most of her credit cards (very handy to be able to prove that "you" are "you".

Of course, doing all this meant I finally got to see all her credit card balances which, after seeing the bank balances, made a lot of sense (none of which was of the common variety). ;-) 

She says, in her defence, that they were all lovely shoes.

I said, in defence of logic, that you have not changed your name to Millicent, let alone Millipede.

Prepare - and do it as a task for both of you. Make the OH think, remember and be part of the "game". Keep them involved in their own lives.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Try and talk him around.

You're doing the right thing thinking ahead, even if "ahead" doesn't include him, but try and make him part of the process - for your mutual peace of mind.

Peace,
Ewen :-)

Thank you Ewen for your reply.  I can relate to the shoes so just as well Colin not getting access to my credit card.

I will try again to have the conversation as it is really worrying me.  I think that once we start it will be fine.

I read your posts from back then and it brought a lump to my throat but has given me great encouragement. You really were lucky to have your Mags and i am sure she would be proud of all that you have improved on although im sure she would argue that you are better at laundry.....

Thank you again

Liz

It can be a difficult conversation as in my mind it  brings about the further reality of whats happening. I made a joint will years before i got sick as you never know what tomorrow may bring. Hope you sort it soon.

2 years ago my husband and I completed lasting power of attorneys for both health and money, thank goodness we did (neither of us were unwell at the time).  My husband has terminal cancer ( we discovered today he has weeks to live) having the POA is a godsend as i know that i can deal with any financial matters in the future.  

he was diagnosed in May this year and he has been putting in place his finances to ensure in his words that I am looked after.  not everything has been done but it means that i have less to think about in the future

you are not horrible to think about finances, you will need time in the future to grieve and not worry about finances.

Thank you for your help, we still haven’t sorted anything out.  I suggested last week that we should look at sorting some paperwork out but as usual this was brushed away.  I don’t think that he will want to do anything until the consultant says that’s it no more treatment and I think it will be harder to deal with then but I have to respect what he wants to do. I am not going to stress about it anymore as it isn’t doing either of us any good and we will continue to get on doing things best we can and hope that in the next few weeks the immunotherapy kicks in and starts working ! The consultant said we would try another 6.  - 8 weeks and we are half way there.

chelseabluegirl I am so sorry to hear about your husbands diagnosis but as you say you have the poa organised so just make as many memories as you can and make the most of your time together. It is right what they say you never know what is around the corner and when Cancer comes into your life it puts everything into perspective that’s for sure. 

Hi Hillsider 

My husband was given an incurable diagnosis back in January. I work for a law firm and we’d always talked about making wills (as we both have children from previous relationships) but because it was complicated we had never done it. I get what you mean about it being difficult to start the conversation- it almost makes you feel mercenary but at the end of the day we all have to get “affairs in order”. I dropped it into conversations a few times  and then just bit the bullet and booked us appts. Maybe it helped that we both did Powers of attorney and wills as it seemed less like it was sitting my hubby out. Probably easier for us as I know the people that did the work for us. I deal with property in my job though and I’ve seen the problems that can arise from people not being prepared. I wonder if macillan have some leaflets that you could use to broach the subject. Or do you have an appointed Macmillan nurse who could help you broach the subject. All I  can say is that I am so glad that we got it done and out of the way early on. It now means we can forget about it and enjoy the time we have left without worrying about what will happen with finances later on. I do hope you manage to get your partner to come round and sort his will etc. Also if you don’t have POA for health and well-being (the other one is Financial and property) you may not get to make the decisions about his care later on. 
Sending you positive thoughts 
Jillybean 

We are in the same situation we had been engaged for 21 years so 2 weeks ago we got married to sort out all the people who pop out of the woodwork and we have just sorted his will we di a free online one and it didn’t take long. I hope you have many years left I know we won’t as he is deteriorating b4 my eyes he’s lost 7 stones since April and can hardly walk please please make the most of the time you have we can’t it’s been so fast xxx

sarahkeogh, my heart goes out to you.  xxxxx