hi my name is Jade and i am trying to deal with the fact that i am going to lose my dad in the next few weeks or months.
We had a bit of strained relationship as i was growing up but the last two years we have rebuilt our relationship i knew that he had cancer and i guess i was happiest burying my head in the sand as deep as i possibly could but i found out at the start of this week he is into his final weeks or hopefully months with terminal lung cancer and her is only 70.
I dont know how i should be feeling im a whole mess of anger and upset that i will have lost both parents in the space of 10 years to cancer everyday i wake up i sit and watch my phone waiting for him to ring me so i know we have at least another day to talk i just feel so i dont know if the words anger or what i just dont understand the horrible cruel disease he will tell me daily to live my life but no matter what i do i just feel like i am existing.
I know i have family and friends but i dont want to tell them how i am feeling incase i upset them i know i should really be getting ready for the worst but i dont know if i can or if i even really want to this may sound bad but in one way i will be relieved when the time comes so he isnt suffering anymore and he will be at peace but then this throws up a whole new set off issues like how am i going to cope how do i break it to family that dont live close that hes gone and how do i live a new normal.
its really all such a mess i cant even comprehend everything that is going to happen this next few months everybody tells me i shouldnt mourn him thats not what he would want i should celebrate him but to me i associate celebrating with being happy not being sad that my dads no longer here
Sorry if i have just rambled on its nice to know there is somewhere i can just let out y feelings without people thinking in crazy
Hi Jade, I hope you're doing ok. Im in a similar boat as I also lost my mum 20 years ago and my dad now has 6-9 months. I've found it helpful telling people soon as I can this time as I made that mistake with my mum, bottling it all up, it was then much harder to deal with telling people when she died. I hope your family that are far away could help just being there for you both? My sister lives abroad so I hope she'll be able to come over soon.
If you can, try talking to a friend and take it from there, im sure they will be more than happy to listen. Its good to rant! Sending lots of love x
Not crazy at all, I’m sat next to my dad now in his final days or weeks, I’ve been angry and sad and upset. I sit thinking just go as he’s withering away and then I’m like no I want you to stay. It’s anticipatory grief and it hits you in waves and you can’t stop it. I cry when he’s sleeping and try not do it in front of him, but my heart is breaking with overwhelming sadness. It’s a cruel disease. We still have lucid moments when he makes me laugh and that when I don’t want him go. All I would say is Ask him all the question you want answers to, record him saying them and when the emotion comes over you be angry, sad, happy which ever it is xx
Its sort of like sometimes hes not the same person anymore his balance is getting worse and sometime he finds himself getting mad and angry then he will act like nothing is happening its just cruel not just for the person but for the family in someways i think its crueler for the persons family to have to see their loved one in that way and maybe have their final memories of their loved one in that way if that makes sense xx
Hi Jade, I am so sorry for what you must be going through. I lost my Dad to cancer just under a month ago. I’m still not sure how to feel. I found out it was terminal on the 25th March (my 30th birthday) and as horrible as that was he made sure we still made the most of every bit of time we had. We thought we had months but we had to say goodbye less than a month later. All I can say is live in the moment as much as you can, but also talk, have your time with your Dad!
Also if you want someone outside of your circle to talk with in coming months feel free to reach out.
Wishing you everything!
Lucie
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