Husband self absorbed

Hi Alexy

I am sorry to read that tonight is a particularly difficult night for your family, and I don't really have any answers for you, but did not want to read and move on without reaching out to you.

Your Husband is clearly struggling himself with his diagnosis, and you and your daughter are not only frightened of what the future may bring but also treading on egg shells for fear of upsetting him.

I hope by morning the spat from tonight will pass you by, do you think you will be able to discuss how this is making you all feel?

I am personally quiet open when it comes to discussing how people feel and what is affecting what, but not everyone can be that way. My husband also diagnosed last year as non-curable but treatable, so there are plenty of times that we have to be open about how we are coping emotionally and physically, as although he is the person with this terrible diagnosis, we are all experiencing our own fears, emotions and stresses that are a part of the journey we are all on.

I hope that in someway you and your husband can discuss this, especially comments that are hurtful and will be held in your minds for days to come. 

I am not sure if you have read the December blog, HERE but this may give you some support ideas or advice?

Just wanted to let you know, you are not alone

(((Hugs)))

Lowe'

Thank you Lowedal.

Your response is really appreciated. I will try to talk when things settle. You seem calm and wise, I need to be more like you.

It just feels like things flare up every day.  My belief is that it’s not his cancer but something we all face but he feels that we have a future and he doesn’t and I guess that just makes him unbearably sad and mad at times.

Oh Alexy I'm so sorry - do you know, I was going to quip that it sounds like me, escaping my warring teens until things become calm again as I struggle to cope at the moment (single parent, mum terminal) - but what you say at the end, his storming off and saying you'll all be happier when he's gone - my heart just goes out to you all - it's all so overwhelming that even the most mundane of things can trigger the fight and flight response.

I have found that it has been really difficult to adjust to a different relationship with my mum, now that we have this existential crisis hanging over us, all of sudden everything is real - we're not trundling along in every day life anymore. She has never done 'feelings' but when she was hospitalised she had a cry to me, about not seeing my girls grow up and other things and she said that she didn't want me to interrupt and try and make it all alright which I think my dad does - she just wanted to vent and I just stayed present with her. 

I don't know if I'm even helping - I just think there's nothing you can say or do to make it better for them, or for you, but I think now is as good a time as any to tell him that his anger is understandable, that he definitely needs to vent, but not at the expense of you and your daughter. 

Hugs x

Thank you Puglover. I’m so grateful you took the time to reply. That in itself disrupts the despair with a real feeling of solidarity. Thank you. 

We have had some really good talks in the last couple of days, I’ve been brave and said how I feel and the future seems more hopeful (still limited and sad but without all the unnecessary pressure and expectation).

Sending very best wishes to you. In solidarity in difficult times x