Awake late at night crying as I type as tonight is one of those days where I'm overcome with emotion. My dad who is 57 had copd and heart disease before lockdown last year so when it hit here, I told him to shield at home even though the gp didn't issue him a letter. He shielded from march and I delivered his food and kept my distance to keep him safe. He mentioned a lump on his neck around may and put off going to the gp due to restrictions and a fear of taking unnecessary trips out ,it wasn't causing him any pain, but then it started to grow so he seem gp in June and was referred for biopsies and scans for the next 3 months until finally they diagnosed him with voice box cancer and told us it spread to the lymph nodes and was inoperable as the lump had formed a mass below a major nerve to his brain, operating would likely cause a major stroke. Late Sept he started chemo, one a week every 3 weeks. After 3 sessions, they decided to stop as the tumour hadn't decreased as they'd hoped. Next up was radiation started end of Dec for 10 sessions, which he just finished a week ago. Now the side effects are raw burning throat, extreme tiredness, huge build up of saliva, loss of appetite and even when he does want to eat, he can't swallow. Just today another turning point, he couldn't eat or drink anything due to the pain of rawness in his throat that even his medication is starting to be difficult to swallow. The palliative care nurse suggested upping his steroids again and taking more liquid morphine to ease it but my dad is becoming very difficult when I am trying to explain what he needs to take, he said he is fed up with it all and convinced nothing will help.
I understand he's tired, sore, hungry, scared and angry and i am the only person he has close by to take it out on. When I try to talk or explain most things he gets snappy with me and I am struggling to understand his speech as it's very muffled and hurts him to speak. I feel I am constantly walking on eggshells and he isn't being very nice towards me. My mother and father divorced when I was a child but i call my mum on the phone for advice on how to deal with this, sometimes I break down uncontrollably crying so much to the point that my mum visited him and told him that sometimes how he speaks to me is getting me in a state of feeling very low and worthless.
I have been on sick leave this past 4 months to protect and care for him as my job is in public services which doesn't allow for proper social distancing most of the time. But as my wage will be cut from the end of this month, I will have to go back as I have a mortgage and car etc to pay for and can't afford a wage drop further.
I apologise for the long post but wanted to give the full story so that one of you kind people may have some words of wisdom for me as I'm clinging to anything that can make me feel better mentally, sometimes it feels like I'm using a bucket of water to put out a house fire and i don't see an end to this pain coming from all angles for both of us
Hello Searchingforarainbow
I can only begin to imagine the courage it took for you to pour your heart out here, thank you for reaching out. You are welcome here, it is a safe and non-judgemental environment where you may find huge support over the coming weeks.
I am sorry that your Dad has experienced so much illness and pain and to then receive a voice box cancer diagnosis, one which will be treated with palliative care, is such a terrible thing for you both to deal with. I can't conceive how your Dad has dealt with all that he has had thrown at him all this time, he must be a very strong man indeed!
Based on what you have shared with us, it feels that you are emotionally and physically exhausted and with the worry of having to return to work, because of the financial burden of being on reduced pay I can see why you are feeling so low, I am saddened though that you would feel worthless after all that you have done to support your Dad up till now, and will do going forwards.
Maybe you could take a look Here there is a wealth of information including This which may help in some way! In addition the Macmillan team can be contacted on 0808 808 0000 everyday from 8am till 8pm, reach out if you feel that they can guide you further.
I want to just mention if I may, that Dad is having to deal with so many things right now, I imagine he is making decisions, they are tough decisions and they may make him moody, unapproachable even; but I do not feel that this change in his behaviour is because of anything that you are doing.
My husband is slightly younger than your Dad, he hates to feel that he can't do things for himself, he will push my hand away if I attempt to help, because he wants to do everything, he doesn't want to feel useless. I am not sure how he would feel if it was one of our daughters trying to help him? What you are doing is right, it is I feel what other daughters would do in your position, but Dad may just need time; so much has happened to him so quickly, like you, he has so much to process, and that is not going to be easy.
Being on the outside can be extremely difficult, wanting to do everything we can, not wanting to leave our loved one alone, frightened of what tomorrow may bring; that sometimes we forget to live in the now, I certainly have, I was consumed with grief, even though my husband had only been recently diagnosed. I really hope that you can find a way to hold on to your bucket of water, the fire is only smouldering at present, breathe, and remember, that there is support here if ever you need it.
Sending Strength and (((Hugs)))
Lowe'
