I feel incredibly vulnerable posting this as opening up to strangers is not something I'm used to, but I don't know what else to do. My beloved Dad has been battling cancer in his jaw for the past ten years, and after a couple of operations, unfortunately in September 2019 he was told that it had returned and this time there were no further options but radiotherapy to slow it down. He was told he would have a year if he was lucky. In June last year he had a course of radiotherapy and he was almost back to his old self, then in November he went back for a check up and a scan. He is going back this coming Friday for the results of this scan to see if there is a chance of more radiotherapy - he is starting to get some pain now.
My mum has osteoarthritis in her spine and possibly the onset of dementia, (she is only 67), and my Dad is caring for her as well. I feel so angry that due to Covid he has to go to these oncology appointments on his own, and I know that the day will come when he's told there is absolutely nothing more that can be done. The thought of him hearing that news on his own racks me with guilt and breaks my heart. My Dad is not one for talking about what's going on and will just get on with things.
The thought of watching my Dad die terrifies me as he's always been such a strong man, my rock, and I can't imagine my life without him. I also have no idea how my Mum will be when he's not here as I don't feel she can live on her own. I have sleepless nights about that. I have no siblings and sometimes I feel that I'm drowning with the responsibility. My husband is great, but on a bad day where I just want to sob, he tells me that it will be fine and I will get through it, but I find it so hard to see how. Also not being able to see my best friend at the moment and have a hug is so hard.
I really don't know how I will get through what's coming. I used to think I was a pretty strong cookie, but now I'm not so sure.
Sending a hug to all the people who are going through, and have been through this battle.
Dear frejadog,
Thank you for finding the courage to write this post and reaching out, as much as this has been outside of your comfort zone, you have come to the right place and although we know that you would prefer not to be here, you are very welcome.
Your Dad is clearly a fighter, he has done amazing and there is hope that he will be told on Friday that he will be able to undergo further treatment, which will hopefully reduce the pain he is currently experiencing.
It is only natural for you to worry, about your Dad, your Mum and for yourself, and the sleepless nights can be understood also as you do have so much to consider. It saddens me to read that you feel racked with guilt due to the current covid19 restrictions, I understand how difficult it is for our loved ones to hear devastating news alone, my husband was alone when he heard that he had oesophageal cancer in May, and he was stood in the car park of the hospital with me, when advised by the oncologist that the cancer was terminal. I was heartbroken that he was alone when he received the initial news, but I was fully aware that it was something that I had no control over. (I prefer to be in control)
You have lived with the knowledge of your Dad's condition for so long, it seems to me that throughout that time you have managed to be a strong cookie, and you will continue to be, just now, you are pre-empting the worse case scenario, preparing yourself for bad news that may not materialise, it's normal to do this, it's understandable to be terrified... let's hope that your husband is right, maybe on Friday, once you hear what the specialists have to say, you will realise that you will all be fine... and if the news is what you most fear, know that you are a strong cookie and whatever the outcome you will find a way through it.
If you need any help or advice you can contact the Macmillan nurses from 8am to 8pm daily, for free on 08088080000
I hope that it's safe enough for your to come back here and share with us the outcome on Friday, I will be thinking of you
Best Wishes
Lowe'
Great News Frejadog,
It is always uplifting when some positive news comes from meetings/calls.
You know, it is possible to combine wine tasting and Cornwall, so it is always worth looking into that...Two bucket list ideas in one.
Hopefully we won't be locked down forever, a hug is coming.
Take care of you too
Lowe'
