How do you discuss terminal cancer

Hi Milie, yes absolutely! I have had the same problem at times. My husband of 19 years has stage 4 incurable stomach cancer. He is having chemo but it’s palliative. We have never been given a timescale but have never asked. We know how serious it is but are almost ignoring that and just dealing with each appointment as it comes and don’t talk about what could happen in the future. Sometimes we do but we both get very upset. Generally we just act as if he isn’t going to get any worse. I have to respect how he feels and am generally very strong but like you I have a cry on my own ( generally in the shower!) and constantly think about my own future and being on my own at some point.

This group is a lifeline, no one really wants to be part of it but knowing there are others out there who get how we feel is such a help.

i hope your doctors are wrong and he gets to be around for a long time x

Hi Bramblejoo 

Thank you for your reply and I am sorry you and your husband is going through this terrible time.

It was good to hear from someone that seems to deal with this a bit like me. We have not talked about it and like you and your husband just had another appointment and sort of carry on. I also think about a future without him and it’s frightening . It was my husband asked the doctor how long he could carry on and I wish we didn’t know. I think it’s better to live in hope and wish for a miracle.

I wish you and your husband the strength to get through this X

Hi Mille

i am so sorry to hear about your husband. My husband has had liver transplant for cancer and now secondary bone cancer In his spine which mayhavespread to brain, we have scan tomorrow. He is for palliative care only. 

it is such a lonely place to be. He is on a lot of opiates so doesn’t live with anxiety I do. This makes me feel lonely and I am scared of the future being on my own.. He doesn’t want to talk about and rarely will touch on it. 

I cry every day and am so exhausted by the emotional journey on what I am on. 

 try to keep busy and do normal things away from house as this really helps. He hasn’t been well since the cancer came back 18 months ago, so I have to watch him deteriorate and being at home all the time is hard. I work from home, although not much call for what I do with Covid. 

Our hospice arranged for us to have couples counncilling which, although painful, was helpful. One bit advice I took away was when you feel sad lean towards each other rather than pull apart. Physically have a hug or whatever.

Anna

I agree with the hugging thing and leaning towards each other but not always easy. My husband is very distant sometimes and rarely hugs or kisses me anymore. I do understand as it must make him feel more emotional and I’m sure he worries about me being left behind, but for me it can make me feel like I’m already alone.

So tough x

I totally get the distance thing. It sometimes, no always, seeMs that I have lost him already. I do think this group will help as I don’t know anyone going through this. Some days I just want it to e over, we have been living like this for over four years, but then I feel so guilty for thinking like this and don’t want to have regrets, but it is so emotionally wearing. Do you worry you won’t rmember him as he was? I do, I have forgotten already. I try to make the most of every day but it is so hard..Anna. x  

Hi Anna

Thank you for your reply.  Sorry to hear your husband cancer is back. You have been going through it a lot longer then me four years is a long time, but you have had the strength to be there for him.  I have a cry ever day as well and sometimes I think I might go mad my head is so full of it.  It’s been two years for us and it does seem a lot longer not sure if I would be strong enough to go another two years.
My husband like your husband does not talk about it But it is so good to hear from other people going through this awful painful journey. We will all have to take one day at a time and not look to much into the future. I know when I think of the future and my life without him I feel all different emotions from anger to a deep sadness

Milie

Yes I too feel like I’ve lost my real husband somewhere along the way and why remains is just a shadow. He rarely smiles and some days I feel like he is just waiting for the inevitable. I have always been a ‘glass half full’ person so his outlook is so hard for me to deal with. I try and put myself in his position but you can’t can you. You are all so brave, it’s not even been a year for us yet.

No one else understands like you all do in here x

Hugs to you both. Xxx

Hi all, just when I thought I had the tears under control, I read your posts and the tears flow.... I guess I’m in the ‘ignore and it’ll go away category’ but I’m sending you all heartfelt hugs, I so wish I could make it all better. Budge xx

Thanks Budge, the only way to exist sometimes is to do the ‘ignore’ thing. I think it would be impossible to function normally if we allowed ourselves to become fully consumed with it all. And when these situations with our loved ones can go on for years let alone months we have to find a way to carry on and the cancer and hospital visits just becomes our new normal.

Im okay for now but we have next scan Friday and then the dreaded wait for the results a week after that. Then the anxiety starts all over again and the panic sets in.

thinking of you all xx