Hello

Hi,

It's heartbreaking to read your post and difficult to know how to reply. My husband was diagnosed with an incurable brain tumour in March and, like you, I feel we've been robbed of our future together and the pain is almost unbearable. Next year we would have celebrated 20 years together and I had hoped for another 20 more but that seems like a cruel joke right now.

I've found this site offers a tiny bit of comfort in that I'm not alone with my experience (although I hate to think of anyone else going through this). I can't offer any advice other than keep talking to the people around you who care. Find someone who will simply listen and be there for you. And it's ok to fall apart.

Hi, I’m sorry that you’re going through this with your husband, My thoughts are very much with you both. thank you for your words and taking the time to respond. 
I’m hoping to find some comfort and strength from others. I hate to know that so many suffer and go through this and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. 
I also expected to grow old with Rebecca, we’ve had our ups and downs but I thought we’d got through all of that and it would be ok until old age and I’m finding that hard now too. 

my thoughts are with you both. Take care 

Hi,

I lost my wife of 29 years in April after a 2 and a half year struggle. She was 58 (i'm 57) so we are a bit older than you, We have a 21 year old daughter. Next month we would have celebrated our 30 year wedding anniversary. I can relate really deeply to you and the previous contributor when you say you feel robbed of 20 years together... I too feel this so much..

Every situation is different so I will only try and relate some of my experiences. As they say YMMV (Your mileage may vary). I hope I am not being negative.

Although I knew what was coming the suddenness of the final few days shocked me. Today, 4 months later, every day I still go through in my mind what I could/should have done differently during the final weeks/days. I read from your post that events are moving quickly, hopefully they will find a way to slow it down (very often they too).

Meanwhile all I can really suggest is that you don't forget to talk to her, even (especially) about the difficult things. I found myself so caught up with organising the details (appointments, scans, oxygen, special bed, etc...) that so many things were left unsaid. We thought we had more time until we didn't.

I fully agree that it's ok to fall apart (God knows I did). But in front of your wife and daughter try and hold things together... that way you can help them through this period by giving security that things are under control. Don't be surprised or hurt if friends go quiet... everybody genuinely wants to help but they just don't know what to say or do (and very often there isn't much they can do anyway).

Please excuse me, I have gone on too long. I really wish you the best at what is a terrible time. To me it felt like looking into an abyss...  and every few people who haven't gone through this will fully understand what you are feeling.  

Hi, thank you for taking the time to get in touch, I really do appreciate that. 
I’m so sorry you have lost you wife, just short of 30 years, possibly the same for you, but not reaching that next year has had more of an impact than I thought it would, yours is more significant by far, nearly twice as long as Rebecca and I have been together. I find myself stuck on us being married 13 yrs. I’m not superstitious at all but that number is bothering me. 

thank you for your advice, which no I did not find negative and you haven’t gone on I appreciate the time you have taken. As diagnosis was such a short time ago, we did have some conversations but like you also thought we had time so I didn’t really try until a week after diagnosis when deteriorating rapidly began, it’s been hard to have a conversation other than a few words over the past 2 weeks, but I have managed to get enough in the few words that we have exchanged that I’m happy I have got what I can of Rebecca’s wishes. I understand what you say about appointments etc. All of that has been time consuming but also helped occupy my thoughts. 

I hope your daughter is managing as well, I can relate so much to what I can only guess is going through your mind with the loss she has for her mother and the bond that is there. I can support my daughter, but mother daughter is special. I send you both my love. 

ive been expecting each day since last Saturday to be the last, she’s still fighting, but strength is going I can see that too. Yesterday as strange as it sounds I enjoyed the day with her, I had Rebecca all to myself as others were not able to visit. She didn’t settle well until the early hours, woke early and was agitated and took a little time to settle, but she was more her for a good portion of the day, in between talking nonsense, which we were able to laugh about as she’s aware of that, traumatic when she verged on paranoia for the first time at one stage, but I loved the day, almost a 36 hour solid period with her, I was able to help and care for her, I’m aiding the nurses where I can and hopefully not getting in the way, help her drink, support her, hold her hand, talk to her, I’ve probably not provided her with so much of my time and attention before. The staff here have simply been amazing and they have supported us both wonderfully. 
time is now short but I hope I will e able to look back at this time with some positive memories too, that is my hope.

i have said more than I intended, spilling thoughts out, does seem to help.

thank you for sharing your words with me and advice, I’m taking it on board, from anyone who is able to offer it, I will hold you and your daughter in my thoughts, love to you both. 

Nathan

Hi all (and again tattoo),

I wanted to join this thread as I share all of your thoughts and feelings. My husband had stage 4 stomach cancer, incurable and is due to receive 2nd line chemo soon, though he is rather poorly with kidney complications due to his cancer spread so we’re not sure if chemo will still go ahead at this stage. He is 51 and I am 46. Next month will be our 19 wedding anniversary. We are desperately hoping he can improve just enough in the next few weeks so we can have a week away in Cornwall with sea air. We just look ahead a week at a time now and try not to think about what was or what could have been. We are very much living in the present.

We have very much been the couple who did absolutely everything together, with few friends, so the thought of losing my best friend is horrendous but I’m trying to prepare myself for it. I have no idea when this would be but know prognosis for this cancer is poor.

We have left nothing unsaid. The only thing I am so scared about is not doing the right thing when the time comes or getting him the right help and pain relief that he needs. I will have to cross that bridge when we come to it.

Mu thoughts are with all of you, as you have all said I too feel robbed of a future that we were both very much look forward to but take comfort in the fact that we took the opportunity over the years to do some amazing things and never waited for retirement to do what we wanted to do, travel and see sights etc.

Please keep posting if it helps, it certainly does for me, it’s become my new obsession..

x