What to say?

Hi Ian,

My wife passed away 8 months ago, but in the last couple of months of her life, she put me in the exact opposite position you find yourself in - she (true to form) went to painstaking lengths to tell me what I needed to do after she was gone.

Not in any particular order;

1. Love our kids as we always had - unconditionally
2. Comfort, nurture and love our granchildren
3. Become a part of the real world that exists outside of cancer and caring
4. Rediscover myself without forgetting the strengths I'd learnt while caring for her
5. Find a way to get joy back in my life
6. Carry her memory but don't become a slave to it
7. Find someone to love

I'm doing my best to fulfill her wishes but it is tough. I can't count the number of times I've thought, "I have to tell Marg about ... " but I'll never have that opportunity again, but I will always remember her and love her. 

Every carer feels different once they are no longer a carer. Some feel liberated, some feel numb, some feel like they no longer have a purpose. Please don't try and second guess yourself - the endgame is tough enough without putting yourself through practice sessions.

Stay in the "now" - that's where your wife is and that's where you are needed the most.

Hang in there.
Ewen :-)

P.S. Feel free to pinch any of the above points if you think they will provide comfort to your wife.

I love the things your wife had put down for you, they are good words to go by. My husband has been in hospital for a week now. He's been low since his first infusion of trebectedin on 14 Feb.  In the space if 6 days he's had 4 units of blood. The Macmillan nurse at our local hospital spoke with us about DNAR- we were quite taken aback as although we know his cancer is rare, aggresive, inoperable and not curable, we weren't expecting that conversation. Colin told our first oncologist that he doesn't want to know any 'details' if his prognosis so we have no idea how long he has left. I'm finding it hard when he says stuff about when he's not here anymore. I wanted us to grow a lot older together and go to more places but looks like it's not to be.  This 2 year 'journey' has been sh1t 

hope you have a decent day

S

Ian,

When my mother was dying, I often told her I would be living day to day thinking about her. But eventually I found out that the answer of making sure her parents, my grandparents, were well taken care. Whenever I gave that answer, I could see it brought her great amounts of peace and so I changed to that. There is no correct answer but hopefully you find one that brings your wife peace.

Best wishes

Thanks Ewen. Gosh, I'm hoping I don't get a list now...

Good advice though