After about a year of being in this group it is time for me to move to the bereaved group. My partner died on 19th Feb. A peaceful end to a tricky few weeks. Looking at what has been important, a few things stand out.
* having the support and the online community as an outlet to help me manage the outside world.
* the value of facing things head on, talking about dying, having courage to find out about services & systems and build the relationships with the people in them.
* the need to be adapting and changing and managing uncertainty.
*how to get a commode and emergency cleaning products after 16 hours overnight of explosive bowels with someone who could hardly weight bear and an upstairs toilet. And calling the commode Colin after a rather unpleasant builder that I know - so Colin copped it for a few weeks.
* how important small things like sitting next to each other and holding hands can be
* the value of the hospice services - community and inpatient and how this preserved his quality of life and fun far longer than if we had not had them.
* how getting paperwork and lists of what to do when someone dies long before you need it, is very useful as it is full on bureaucracy and making arrangements at the saddest time.
* Having wills and clarity of who gets what and funeral plans in place as money + death + disorganisation + human beingness is not a helpful combination.
My partner had to face being told he was terminal shortly before he was 60, dying at 61 and not ever having the chance of the retirement plans and enjoyment. He made a choice to drop down to part time work as long as possible for death in service benefits for his children and we made the most of the time we had. I have not a single regret and a sad journey, but a real privilege to have done it with him.
