Struggling. Feeling inadequate, isolated and scared

Dear , first of all you are most definitely not a horrible person for feeling the way you do. Given the situation you and your mum find yourself in tensions are bound to arise and because you are the nearest person to your mum you are the one most likely to be on the receiving end of your mother’s understandable anger. It’s good to hear that she is attending the hospice once a week, is it possible she could increase this to 2 days a week now that she is experiencing disease progression. The hospice is also there to support you, my local hospice provides counselling and therapies for family members of patients, also do you have a maggies centre in your area as they provide support for family members. It’s hard for you to hear criticism from your mother, but as painful as it is, it’s  really just the cancer talking, although that doesn’t make it any easier to hear. It’s important you get support for yourself now as being the carer is as much of a challenge to you as dealing with the cancer is to the patient.

Thank you for your understanding and taking the time to respond to my post. I do know that the hospice is there for me too but I don’t feel I can talk to them which I know must sound strange. I feel that it’s a place for mom. When she goes there it’s the day I have to work and she gets the ambulance there and back so I haven’t built any relationship with them. I need to phone Macmillan but every time i go to do it I find myself thinking what will I say and then I don’t ring. I’ve tried to speak to mom about another day at the hospice but she won’t hear of it. She’s very contrary to anything I suggest including having people round for her to talk to. She is constantly fighting against most things I try to do to help her. Im trying to help with her pain management but I’m completely out of my depth. I bought her a tablet dispenser but she won’t use it and insists on having tablets loose around the house. I understand her frustration anger and fear at her situation it must be horrible and she’s always been so independent so I know she’s clinging to some control over what happens to her.  she’s 79 and I’m hoping she will reach a serenity that my dad and my Nan had - they honestly never behaved like this during any of their last months/weeks. I’d like to help her reach a better place but I’m completely at a loss at what i can do as she dismisses my suggestions.