how do i tell our children

Hi

My husband was diagnosed with liver cancer in March 2019, and there was hope they could operate, but unfortunately this hasn't happened, and we got the diagnoses in Aug that is was incurable. We have 2 boys, 17 and 15, although slightly older than your boys it was still a hard decision to make as to what to tell them. We had a chat with Sue Ryder, and talking therapies, and we decided to tell them everything. This decision was the best we made, for us. Our 15yr old had googled it and all sorts of horrific stories came up meaning he was more worried than he had to be.We find that being open and talking about it, makes it easier as we no longer have to whisper. Children are more resilient than we give them credit for. I also talked to their schools/colleges as they have a marvelous support network for young children. I lost my Dad to the same disease when I was 21, the biggest regret I have is not insisting I knew everything about what was happening so it was a total shock when he passed away. I don't know where you live but in my area there is a charity called Daisy's Dream who help children come to terms with parents who have terminal illness. 

You have to do what is right for you and your family, what you dont want is for them to make things up in their mind if they dont know the truth. My husband told our boys that everyone is going to die, its just that he isn't going to get old first. I have given our sons a book each so they can write down their worries, and if they want to discuss it with us they can, or leave it private.

I wish you all the best and whatever you decide it will be right for you. I do hope I haven't 'talked' to much, but please feel free to contact me.

X

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I reallydo appreciate it and sorry to hear about your husband. Cancer really is a bitch.

Boys know that their dad had is kidney out because it wasn’t working, we didn’t mention cancer, we were hoping we wouldn’t have to. 

We were going to tell them that it wasn’t fixed by the op and now we have to try medicine but I think we now have to mention cancer. 

:( 

I'm so sorry it has come to this for you. We hoped to do the same by mentioning there was a fatty lump which needed removing. They were the ones who asked if it was cancer and we were just honest with them after this. They have also been a great support to each other. 

Don't let this horrible disease beat you and your family. If you give up or shy away from it. I say 'b......s' to cancer enjoy every day and make lots of memories.

Take care x

Hi Pugs, so sorry to read of your husbands diagnosis and prognosis. My husband was diagnosed with an unknown primary cancer 2 and a half years ago, given the incurable prognosis at the same time. We have 3 children an adult child together and two younger children age now 9 and 11. They were told the truth pretty much from the start. Cancer which is been managed by treatment (chemo) to stop it growing. Then the treatment has stopped managing it so we are trying another one (immunotherapy), then 9 months in to immunotherapy treatment stopped due to hospitalisation very rare side effects developed less than 1%. The husband has miraculously been stable for nearly a year since immunotherapy was stopped however the children are aware that when it starts growing again treatment options if any at all will involve something very small. I wanted the children to know the truth as they can see with their own eyes what's going on and I did nor want them to have that fear of the unknown, what's going on? Circuling in their little minds. They have seen their father very very poorly at times over the last 2 and a half years but are currently seeing him as well as he can be with a reasonable quality of life despite his body been hammered by treatments. Good luck to you, I hope your husbands immunotherapy works well, it worked wonders on my husbands cancer and is what has given us an unexpected year of stability.

Dear pugs2411,

When I got the question from my kids if grandma was going to die, I told them of course, we all do. I then told them that because grandma has cancer, she might die sooner than expected but emphasized that we are fortunate to know ahead of time so that we didn't waste a single day from now until then. She ended up dying two and a half years later but we made a lot of memories in that period of time. 

I don't think there is anything to be gained by sheltering them from the truth because they will come to know it eventually. I do think there is a lot to be gained by letting them know time may be short and to make the most of what time they have left together. As other's have mentioned, kids are very resilient beings and will get along with their life much better and faster than we adults will. 

Best wishes